Lately, I’ve been struggling a bit with my identity. I think it has to do with the fact that though I have a direction set out, I have no clear destination in mind with my gender journey. I’m much more comfortable working towards clear goals in life, and right now, my gender “goals” are indeterminate.
Between the bell curve peaks of male and female is this valley that I feel I’m in now, and it’s hard spot to be in because I’m not climbing one of those peaks, but rolling back and forth between them like Sisyphus’ boulder.
Truly, my main goal is to be more comfortable with myself, which I expect will lead to more personal happiness. But happiness can be elusive at times, given its complex interplay with other, external factors.
Yesterday I was happy that I was able to wear a pair of my favorite earrings and a matching new top I bought last week, but it was tempered by the fact that I know it makes it hard for my wife to see me dressed that way. Trying to be more male for her today, I wore a male shirt, but I wore a women’s turtleneck underneath it for me.
I was a woman trying to be more of a man for his wife and a man trying to be more of a woman for herself.
Talk about confusing!
This middle ground is tough space to occupy and I found myself just generally uneasy most of the day because of it. Mostly because I didn’t really feel like myself, whatever passes for that nowadays. I bounce between feeling like a full transition to female is the path to happiness and feeling like I can find a genderqueer space and be happy.
How about you? Have you passed through the valley on your journey or had an extended stay? How was it for you? What helped you feel more comfortable there?