Current Events and Thoughts

I’ve been pretty quiet as of late, and much of that has been due to life being very, very busy. Today I’m sick home from work and snatching a few minutes before the cold medicine really kicks in.

Yesterday I had my hair highlighted for the first time in over a decade. I’m very happy with how it came out. The target I told my stylist to aim for was, “blend away most of the gray, but not in a way that screams,  ‘Hey! Look! I just got my hair colored!'” and he nailed it.

I’m in that awkward grow-out phase where it isn’t long enough where I can tuck the bangs behind my ears and not short enough to style it back out of the way. A strategic clip or pin here or there would do wonders, but I spend most of my time in guy mode, so that really isn’t an option, especially at work. So I’m stuck with dumping all sorts of product into it to make it manageable.

While waiting for my appointment, I wandered into Something Silver in Pacific Place and found some round, green amber stud earrings and a necklace in the shape of a leaf skeleton that I just couldn’t pass by. I’ve been hunting for a pair of green earrings for a while, and I was delighted to finally find a pair that I feel comfortable wearing to work. The clerk amused me by asking if I wanted one or two gift boxes, and I just smiled and said, “One, please.” Sometimes you just have to buy yourself a gift!

Earlier in the week I had another one of my semi-periodic gender counseling sessions. Much of the conversation centered around me starting on hormones and how that was going so far. We also spent some time talking about how I probably need to spend less time future-tripping and more time in the moment just enjoying where I’m at right now. That’s good advice in general, so when I find my mind drifting off towards the what-ifs, I’m trying to redirect myself back to the now.

While the session yet again left me with the general feeling of it not being the best use of my time, it was good to get the reality check that I’m not crazy or delusional about the gender stuff. She pointed out that it’s been over a decade between the time I first considered hormones to actually taking them, so it’s not like I’ve thrown contemplation out the window here and am rushing headlong into something without thinking it through.

Since I haven’t really been getting much out of seeing her other than the referral for HRT, I have no future appointment booked with her. Between going to Ingersoll every now and then and another counselor I see for non-gender stuff, I feel like I have the support network I need in place. I promised to check in with her every now and then and we left it at that.

Now that I’m half a month in on HRT, I’m coming to realize at a deeper level that I’m trans. I’m still not clear on exactly what that means for me, but I’m now much more comfortable with the idea of transition in general. It’s still a scary thought, but the fears that keep popping up to frighten me don’t seem quite so scary any more. Fears like being alone or shunned float to the top, and I’ve come to realize that loneliness knows no gender, but that it does feed on isolation, which is often a conscious choice.

The other big fear I’ve had is exchanging one gender “box” for another. As I take a closer look at this, It’s dawning on me that the box is self-imposed and this is a fallacious argument I’ve been propping up as a distraction from the bigger issue – denial of self expression in general. For me, this is tied to trying to not make waves around others and not draw attention to myself. This is driving some serious introspection that is leading to more self-acceptance in general. Yay, me!

That’s all from me right now, I’m fading. I hope you’re having a great day!

Hugs,
J

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, counseling, observations. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Current Events and Thoughts

  1. Johanie says:

    I guess we all get inside that box at some point or another just trying to blend in and make sure we don't raise any question among our friends/relatives/co-workers 😉

    Hugs

    Johanie

    Like

  2. Pingback: I’m Not Dying | Becoming Me

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