I’ve put a lot of personal energy into trying to understand the causal why of my trans-ness and I’ve mostly generated heat instead of light. To be honest, much of my desire in this quest for causality is to make it easier to accept myself as myself and to relieve the persistent, nagging fear that it’s something I’ve manifested to gain attention or a displacement activity for something else.
Knowing the why would also let me off the hook in taking responsibility for the choice to transition. It would be so much easier to point to a test and say to myself and other people, “See, right here; proof that transition is the thing to do for someone like me.”
While I’d still like to know why I’m trans, I’m increasingly moving into a “whatever” mental space about it and not really worrying about it much any more.
It’s just something about me that makes me, me.
I need to know the why of it as much as I need to know the root reason why I like sweaters more than sweatshirts.
It just is.