So I had been doing weekly Wednesday-ish check-ins as I tracked my HRT, but I stopped taking my pills last week and I lost my framework for checking in. That, and I was scrambling at work to get everything tied up before I went on vacation for the next two weeks, my oldest son turned five, and I found out one of my cousins was diagnosed with late-stage ovarian cancer, so my online contributions have been muted as my mind and energies have been directed offline.
On the HRT front, my chest tightness has decreased significantly, but I’m still not feeling quite right. I’ve been putting off calling the doctor, which is out of character for me. Now that I am taking a breather, I’m calling the office tomorrow and seeing if I can get in sooner than the appointment I have later this month. I’m starting to understand the problems of having such a popular local doctor, and I’m pondering the merits of finding one that’s a bit closer to me and that doesn’t have a one-month wait for a general appointment.
The past week I’ve ranged from feeling very happy to angsty to anxious. It’s hard to describe, but there is a longing to be back on HRT that is co-mingled with thoughts about “toughing it out” without them. Mix in a tease of some summer weather and the wardrobe changes that it kicks off, and the longing to wear a skirt or a dress or a summer top has amped up in me. Mostly I find myself just wishing that I had the right body to wear something pretty.
In the, “Is the universe trying to tell me something?” vein, I keep seeing what I’m pretty sure are trans women all over the place at work, and my initial reaction is, “Yes!” which is then followed by, “I really need to get my HRT sorted out,” and then my thoughts end in the unanswerable without walking the path question of, “Will it really be worth it?”
Then I gently remind myself that I am walking my path and not to measure or compare myself against others.
As with many things in life, I am luckier than others in some regards and unluckier than others in other regards. It is not a competition, it is not a race, and it is about finding a happy spot for myself.
I’m cognizant that I often use my online communications as a place to vent and don’t often enough recognize and celebrate the good stuff. What’s going good for me right now is that I wear earrings every day, my hair is getting longer and curlier and I’ve had some pretty good hair days lately :-), I can come home from work and change into tops that I feel more comfortable in and my wife accepts that, I am getting increasingly comfortable wearing clothes I feel more comfortable in out of the house more often, my wife is still willing to give me space to go to Ingersoll when I want to go, I’m more tolerant of the odd looks I get when I go out in my comfortable mode, and my local in-laws are supportive of me and welcome me no matter how I look.
So for the next two weeks of vacation, I don’t have to stress out so much about what I wear out of the house and I’m going to get my potential medical issues and hair removal sorted. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before, but I stopped electrolysis a few weeks back because my wife was getting upset with how much time it was taking out of my schedule and it was killing my personal budget. I’m looking at laser as a faster, more cost- and time-effective way to go.
For all my friends that have commented or tweeted me recently – thank you. I appreciate it.
I’m not always the best correspondent and I often struggle to know what to say to others in their triumphs and tribulations, but do know that I think of you and treasure having friends who are willing to let me vent, share my fears and celebrate the good things in life.