Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I stopped taking HRT, as it was causing chest tightness, headaches and some occasional chest pain. All symptoms are gone except for some residual chest tightness, which I’d put at 10% of what I was feeling before. I’ve also had a few “brain pain” twinges here and there too, but last week was incredibly stressful as I was working to get things tied up at work before heading out on vacation for a few weeks, so that might have been contributing to some of the whole package of feeling terrible.
Yes, I’m on vacation, and I finally made the time to call my doctor’s office today and tell the nurse about my symptoms. I have an appointment for next Tuesday. I could have gone in tomorrow, but I have a conflict, so I’ll just wait a bit more. Since the symptoms have significantly been decreasing, I’m not terribly worried that I’m going to drop over dead of a heart attack any time soon.
What has been bothersome to me is that my temper is shorter again, and I just feel generally more anxious. I was only five weeks in before stopping, but I was already starting to notice that I was calmer in general and wasn’t worrying about things as much. I already miss feeling like my mental health was getting better.
Starting HRT was a huge step for me, and stopping has provided me the opportunity to re-evalulate if I want to start again and re-examine my original goals for starting.
What’s emerged from this introspection is that yes, I do want to start again. I really, really do. While my primary motivator is the mental relief that they were beginning to provide, what’s notable for me now is that I desire the body changes they can bring as well. What’s slowly been crystallizing for me is how much discomfort I’ve had in the male role, and how persistent that discomfort has been for much of my life.
Ever since my first gender therapist dismissively marked me as “just a crossdresser“, I’ve wrestled with what I need to do to find peace with my trans-ness. In the past week, I gave serious consideration to finding a path that was just crossdressing. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just wouldn’t feel honest with myself. Honest in the sense that I’ve had the desire to have a female body since at least puberty and to deny that is to deny my true self to myself.
My body is male. My brain is female.
I have brain/body gender misalignment, and I will continue to seek the path that brings me into alignment.