Sometimes

Sometimes I see her when she moves
     In the way she brushes her hair back
     In the way she walks across the room
     In the way she stands
     In the way she sits
     In the way she crosses her arms
     In the way hugs
     In the way she loves
     In the way she tilts her head

Sometimes I see her choices
     In the colors
     In the textures
     In the friends
     In the flowers
     In the art
     In the smiles
     In the caring

Sometimes I hear her when she talks
     In the words she uses
     In the way she says it

Sometimes I see her hair
     Flowing
     Glowing
     Curling
     Waving
     Perfecting
     Messing
     Frizzing
     Cutting
     Shining
  
Sometimes I see her when she loves
     She hugs so tight
     She kisses so passionately
     She offers herself totally
     She tenderly caresses
     She rawly claws
     She rides
     She lays back
     She begs for more
     She melts

Sometimes I see her reflection in the mirror
     In the hallway
     In the bathroom
     In the dressing room
     In the shop window
     In the car
     In the still pond
     In polished stainless steel
     In shiny enamel

Sometimes I see her when I least expect it
     During a meeting
     In the middle of an argument
     While drinking beer with friends
     Out buying groceries
     Shaving
     Digging in the dirt
     Sitting on a park bench
     Hiking in the woods
     Boarding a plane

Sometimes I don’t see her when I need her
     When I am feeling lonely
     When I am feeling sad
     When I am feeling ugly
     When I need a hug
     When I am feeling lost
     When I am feeling crazy
     When I just need her to be around

Sometimes I feel her in my bones
     And she walks with swaying hips
     And she moves in graceful arcs
     And she is not so large
     And she bends
     And she flexes
    
Sometimes she feels so very far away
     Impossibly distant
    
Sometimes she is afraid
     Of the unknowns
     Of the knowns
     Of herself
     Of friends
     Of family
     Of strangers
     Of lovers
     Of not having the right shoes to wear
     Of not having clothes that fit
     Of not blending in
     Of not being notices
     Of being lonely
     Of never being able to wear
          that skirt
          that dress
          that top
          those shoes
          that frilly thing for her lover

Sometimes she is right up front
     And you will not ignore her
     And she is not going away
     And she is not afraid of you
     And she is not afraid of herself

Sometimes she goes and hides
     Because the sunlight is too bright
     Because she does not want to be seen
     Because now is not the time to see her
     Because it is the safest thing to do

Sometimes she makes everything just right
      Bliss
      Joy
      Satisfaction
      Contentment
      Dreamy
      Peace
      Love

Sometimes she makes things very hard
      Losing me friends
      Losing me family
      Losing me my sanity
      Losing me money
      Losing me my job
      Losing me my health

Sometimes she seems out to ruin my life
      Driving everyone away
    
Sometimes she is my life
      I cannot live without her
      I cannot breathe without her
      I cannot go on without her

Sometimes she loves her body
      When the clothes fit
      When the jewelry highlights
      When the hair is tamed
      When it doesn’t get in the way

Sometimes she hates her body
      Too big
      Too hairy
      Too deep

Sometimes she wears her jewels
      In her ears
      Around her neck
      In her hair
      Around her fingers
    
Sometimes she goes unadorned
      Because nothing is needed

Sometimes she dresses up
       For herself
       For friends
       For strangers
       For her lover
       But always for herself

Sometimes she dresses down
       For beauty shines without accompaniment

Sometimes she is here today
       All the day

Sometimes she is gone tomorrow
       And I do not know where she goes

But there is a part of her that is always sometimes
        Here with me

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in poetry. Bookmark the permalink.

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