The Top That Got Away

A while back I found a top that felt wonderful to the touch in a plum-like color that spoke to me. It was cut with a large scoopneck and had short, fluttery sleeves. I totally fell in love with it on the spot so I bought it and took it home to try on.

The instant after I tried it on, I realized with dismay that I do not have the boobs and body it was designed to accentuate.

Moments like that are the points in time where the neat, tidy buckets of self-acceptance and self-expression get kicked over in frustration and their contents become all mixed together with the deeper, murkier personal desires and the socio/cultural gender expectations and roles that I learned.

It took me almost a month to return the top because thoughts of returning it generated some feelings of defeat and failure around expressing and embodying my femininity.

Once I finally let those feelings go by accepting the simple truth that it just didn’t fit me and therefore wasn’t very flattering, I was able to return it without a second thought.

A top is just a top, it fits or it doesn’t and I get to decide if I think it looks good on me or not.

Those things have nothing to do me being trans and what that brings, and everything to do with owning my life and the decisions I make.


About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in clothing, observations, self-acceptance. Bookmark the permalink.

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