Last night turned into a very sad night.
My two year-old child was sick yesterday, throwing up randomly throughout the day and evening, so my wife and I had to cancel our date night. We spent the night watching Wall-E instead with the little one and trying to figure out where we want to move later this year and what I might do for work then.
We also chatted about our toenail polish, and my wife remarked that I should shave my hairy toes. She’s been doing things like that lately – little hints of advice or suggestions here and there and I’ve really appreciated it. It’s also made me feel like she’s hit some measure of acceptance around me being trans.
But then…she’s also seemed somewhat distant lately and sad and hasn’t been that willing to engage me in much conversation outside of issues that revolve around our daily family routine. Over the past few days, she’s been saying that she’s been thinking about the future a lot, and every time she said that it made my gut churn, because she sounded so sad every time she said it.
After we put the little one down to bed (and mopped up one last puddle of vomit; poor little guy!) we talked like we haven’t talked in months, maybe years even, baring open ourselves to each other about dreams, desires, hopes, disappointments and pain.
We confirmed to each other what I’ve been terrifyingly anticipating ever since I re-came out to her in January. That I’m trans and likely heading further along in my transition journey and that she can only go so far in that journey along with me. Many tears were shed.
We both love each other fiercely and I don’t want to lose her as my life partner and she still wants us to be a family. She wants me to be happy and do what I need to do about being trans. She’s obviously been doing her homework lately, notably quoting statistics from the recently released National Transgender Discrimination Study around suicide rates.
But she wants a husband and I’m slowly dying to her in that way.
This makes me so incredibly sad it’s impossible to express. She lost several family members over the past couple of years and now she’s facing losing her husband. Every estrogen pill I take, every earring or piece of women’s clothing I wear, every inch my hair grows takes me one step further away from her and causes her pain and amplifies her sense of loss.
The last thing I want to do is cause her more pain yet that’s mostly what I seem to do lately.
It is a cruel, ironic curse of being trans that to become yourself sometimes requires that you lose a loved one that helps to make you whole.
Neither of us knows exactly what the future holds, except that at some point our shared lives are going to diverge in some way.
There is so much to work through. Kids, relationship, housing, employment.
Right now, I’m still numb.
The love of my life still loves me and I still love her, but our future together is uncertain.