Last week’s dose: 2mg/day estradiol
Physical: Nipple tenderness to pain when touched or bumped. Aches to pleasurable nipple sensations when thinking about feminine things like dressing in a skirt or appreciating other women’s outfits. Occasional aches in breast area. Testicular volume seems to be decreasing by a slight bit but this is very subjective at this time.
Mental: I don’t feel as depressed as I used to. I’m much more functional in general on a day to day basis and my reactions are more thoughtful. This has been a very pleasant surprise, especially since it’s been a very stressful week.
I’m also feeling like I’m coming to deeper understandings of what the hormones will and will not do for me. These understandings are wordless right now and I need more time to connect the feelings and insights to written or spoken language. Some things are very, very clear now but I can’t explain exactly what. It’s frustrating, especially since I use my writing to help organize and think things through.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I feel gentler and less aggressive overall. But I have noticed that when in certain situations like advocating for an idea at work or meeting new people, I’m overcompensating and channelling a latent, internal alpha male.
I think it comes from a fear of being seen as weak and I’ve noticed that this expresses itself the strongest in men’s spaces or in all-male situations – traditionally a potentially very dangerous place for a trans woman to be.
It’s an interesting data point to me that taking feminine hormones has had the unexpected consequence of making me more masculine at times.
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