The past few weeks I’ve had some big ups and downs.
The ups have included watching my first child head off to kindergarten – a sublime and wistful moment, a great annual review at work that came with a salary level promotion, increasing feelings of competency about my career in general, and increased comfort that if I do decide to fully transition, I have my own inner and outer beauty and that people won’t be pointing at laughing at me all the time. In sum, I’m feeling more happy, stable and comfortable in my own skin than I think I’ve ever felt.
The downs have been accumulated physical injuries that have prevented much exercise and may even require some knee surgery again (as a runner, I’m potentially looking at having to permanently switch to cycling, which really bums me out,) the condo my family lives in is crumbling around us and the down real estate market has us fairly well yoked to it reducing our options to sticking it out or adding a rent or mortgage payment and my wife continues to reiterate that my non-pergenderism and my efforts to move towards a feminine pergender state still make her upset and puts our relationship at risk. Here, it’s all about uncomfortable change that makes long-range planning very difficult.
There are also other things brewing in my life that have yet to settle and will likely require their own future blog posts. They balance now between good and bad, and I’m trying to find the path to good for as many as possible.
I’ve had what seems like more than my fair share of emotional roller coaster rides in the past. But this time around, I feel less surprised and more in control than previously. I’ve seen everything above coming for a while now, and that’s been the qualitative difference from previous rides.
I have much, much more self-confidence and emotional awareness now. I still have a long ways yet to go in those areas, but at least now I don’t feel like I’m sleepwalking through or trying to distance myself from life.
I can actually appreciate and enjoy the ride and not be in terror that the cart is going to come off of the tracks.
Whether or not this is coming from therapy, hormones, me finally gaining some wisdom, pergender alignment or some combination, I honestly don’t care. The net result is that I feel like an authentic version of me is starting to emerge and on the whole, I’m pretty comfortable with that person.
What a ride!