Wednesday my marriage counselor suggested my wife and I separate so that we could get some space to think about what’s next in life for both of us. Last night, during our first date night in several weeks, my wife told me the same thing. There’s no timeline or plan at the moment for this to happen but it’s starting to feel like there’s not much of anything I can do to forestall this.
My wife wants me to be happier and true to myself, and so do I. What became clear during our conversation is that I’ve already moved beyond a comfortable spot for her with regards to my gender presentation. There was a lot more packed into our conversation that I won’t go into here, but we still love each other and are committed to making sure our kids come first no matter what comes.
Something I’m unclear on is if a full social transition is what I need to be happier and true to myself.
I’ve put quite a bit of thought into it and I still feel like I don’t have a solid answer to that question. I view transition as this huge risk with completely unknown magnitudes on the upsides and well-known to unknown magnitude downsides.
It looks something like this in my mind:
|Removal of gender dysphoria||Unknown||Upside|
|Dissolution of marriage||Extra Large||Downside|
|Truly expressing myself||Unknown||Upside|
You get the idea.
Years and years ago, I did an analysis like this to a very granular level for all sorts of things that I could think of around transitioning to female vs. staying male and assigned magnitude values from 1-5 and then used a scale from -100 to +100, and multiplied the values to generate a total score for each.
They both came out negative, but the transition score came out closer to zero. It was a vain attempt to quantify the unquantifiable, but it was a valuable exercise to see what things turned up on both lists.
But I find myself at a similar junction again: stuck.
I’m afraid to go forward and walk into the unknown of transition and afraid to go back into denial. Both paths have pain associated with them and the only difference between the pains is that transition pain is unknown and denial pain is known.