This transition I’m on is still confusing as hell at times. What’s confusing is that I’m not always clear who or what I am.

It’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m some sort of chimera right now.

Am I a man changing into a woman? A proto-woman changing into a woman? A woman fixing a birth defect? Or something else entirely?

Each day I take another step along my path towards an unknown destination. “The journey is the reward,” “Not all who wander are lost,” and “Keep moving towards what feels right,” I remind myself.

Sometimes my mind races ahead and I’m impatient for the body to catch up. Sometimes the body gets out in front and the mind has to do its work from behind. Sometimes these things are happening at the same time and I feel out of control. Sometimes nothing is happening and I feel stuck.

Some days I feel like some freaky, confused monster and some days I feel like a person who has their shit together.

I think what I’m learning is that transition, not me, is the chimera; a little bit of this, a little bit of that, mythical and myth-building, and something that will have its time in the spotlight and then fade away.


About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, self-acceptance. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Chimera

  1. Debra says:

    I think this is a natural part of the process. To get from one side you have to make the journey to the other side. And it's quite the journey. I felt like this soon after I started my hormones. I was atracted to guys and yet I didn't feel very feminine yet…I remember writing a poem called “In between” that talked about this exact issue. And I've read others' accounts that were similar.

    So know you're not alone and it's definitely expected. 😉


  2. Jenn Ifer says:

    Thanks, Debra! Puberty again – ugh! 😉


  3. Pingback: Hello World! Part Four. | Becoming Me

  4. Pingback: Hello, World! Part five. | Becoming Me

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