Pausing HRT for Reflection

I stopped taking hormones on October 6th. Unlike the short-term pause of HRT I took a few months back, this is a self-directed pause for non-medical reasons.

The simplest explanation is that I am not prepared to deal with the relationship changes that it was driving me towards. Namely, separation from my wife and the resulting separation from my children. The thought of losing them was much more pain to bear versus the thought of pausing my personal journey.

Like the last time I stepped completely off the path, I am returning to the beginning in a way. What’s different this time around is that I’m not going to put myself completely back into the male gender box.

I was clear with myself in January that I was going to go slowly so that I could understand what it was I needed or thought I needed. What I learned is that I’m certain that I’m non-pergender (transgender) and that I have some level of gender dysphoria.

What emerged was that while I really like the thought of transition, it’s not a deep compulsion, must-do thing for me, at least not at this point in my life. I think that if I had the full support of my wife and family, I might have given in a go, but absent that, it was turning into something that I felt like was the only option left to me.

If anything, it started to feel like something I was having to talk myself into and convince myself it was the right thing to do.

It didn’t exactly feel like I was setting myself up for success.

I’ve thought about this quite a bit in the past week or so, and I wonder about it. If transition was the right thing for me to do, wouldn’t I have been embracing it and looking forward to it as the solution to my dysphoria?

We all know that the transition journey is not without its potholes and detours, pains, losses and sadnesses, but also has highs and comforts, joys and rewards. I’ve had my share of each the past several months.

What’s less certain now is what I need to do in my life to feel more at ease going forward because the path I was on didn’t completely feel like the right one. I did like what the hormones were doing for me in the mellowing of my emotions and the physical changes that were starting to occur. What I didn’t like was that I did not achieve clarity on the path to follow and I that I’m going to have to blaze my own trail here for a while.

It may just be that genderqueer and androgynous will be the place for me for a while now. I still feel like there are larger forces afoot in my life now, and with everything else going on, I have more than a full plate.

So for now, I will rest and reflect on my journey and think about what comes next before taking up my walking stick again.

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, family, HRT, mental health, observations, self-acceptance and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Pausing HRT for Reflection

  1. Natasha says:

    I am worried about you, I know you have your reasons for stopping, and I completely understand why you're doing so. But your tone in this post seems much more “down” than usual. I hope you are okay.

    Do whatever it takes for you to be happy, that's all the advice I can offer. If for you that means being genderqueer or andro, in order to keep your family together, then I wish you luck with that, and I hope that it brings you much happiness : )

    Take care of yourself
    Tasha xx

    Like

  2. Johanie says:

    Everyone their own pace, I've found that out myself and you shouldn't do anything because you feel you “have to” but rather because you “want to”.

    I hope everthing goes well with your mother, take care.

    Johanie

    Like

  3. Debra says:

    Well good for you, definitely. I'd say thats a healthy thing to do…to pause. My counselor kept telling me throughout my journey that I could stop at any time I started to feel uncomfortable. I took from that, that many people have different levels of what they are comfortable with and how far they will go….it's a process and we all are different.

    Like

  4. Elizabeth says:

    I agree with all the sentiments above. We all care about you and want you to be happy. We're here for you 🙂

    Love,
    E.

    Like

  5. Jenn Ifer says:

    Thanks so much, ladies, for your kind words. This has been a very hard month in many ways, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I really appreciate all your support.

    xx
    Jenn

    Like

  6. Don't be disheartened or put off by whatever decision(s) you make. They are the right decisions FOR YOU at this point in time. I think as a society we want binary solutions, black or white, open or closed, rich or poor, gay or straight, male of female and yet the reality is anything but monotone, but a constant subtle shift of tones and colours. For some people, some lucky people in my opinion life is simply a matter of making a decision, knowing it's right and steadfastly marching down road that decision takes them. For the rest of us, I think it becomes far too easy to fall into that trap of making a decision and sticking with it no matter what, because we want it to be right, want it to be easy or are just afraid to change or minds along the way.

    It takes a lot more courage to stop and decide that path isn't right for you. (or at least, isn't right at this point in life). Being flexible, adaptable and strong enough to decide what is right for you is something to take strength from. Being strong enough to stand up for what feel right for you, is actually an amazing thing.

    As a cis person I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, by my God i admire you the strength you have and the ability you are showing to stand up for what feels right for you.

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  7. Pingback: Hello World! Part Four. | Becoming Me

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