The simplest explanation is that I am not prepared to deal with the relationship changes that it was driving me towards. Namely, separation from my wife and the resulting separation from my children. The thought of losing them was much more pain to bear versus the thought of pausing my personal journey.
Like the last time I stepped completely off the path, I am returning to the beginning in a way. What’s different this time around is that I’m not going to put myself completely back into the male gender box.
I was clear with myself in January that I was going to go slowly so that I could understand what it was I needed or thought I needed. What I learned is that I’m certain that I’m non-pergender (transgender) and that I have some level of gender dysphoria.
What emerged was that while I really like the thought of transition, it’s not a deep compulsion, must-do thing for me, at least not at this point in my life. I think that if I had the full support of my wife and family, I might have given in a go, but absent that, it was turning into something that I felt like was the only option left to me.
If anything, it started to feel like something I was having to talk myself into and convince myself it was the right thing to do.
It didn’t exactly feel like I was setting myself up for success.
I’ve thought about this quite a bit in the past week or so, and I wonder about it. If transition was the right thing for me to do, wouldn’t I have been embracing it and looking forward to it as the solution to my dysphoria?
We all know that the transition journey is not without its potholes and detours, pains, losses and sadnesses, but also has highs and comforts, joys and rewards. I’ve had my share of each the past several months.
What’s less certain now is what I need to do in my life to feel more at ease going forward because the path I was on didn’t completely feel like the right one. I did like what the hormones were doing for me in the mellowing of my emotions and the physical changes that were starting to occur. What I didn’t like was that I did not achieve clarity on the path to follow and I that I’m going to have to blaze my own trail here for a while.
It may just be that genderqueer and androgynous will be the place for me for a while now. I still feel like there are larger forces afoot in my life now, and with everything else going on, I have more than a full plate.
So for now, I will rest and reflect on my journey and think about what comes next before taking up my walking stick again.