Rejected Does Not Equal Defective

Last night, my wife, kids and I decorated our holiday tree. The condominium we were living in the past few years was so cramped that it couldn’t accommodate a tree, so we made do in previous years with some lights and a miniature, artificial (1 foot tall) tree. The house we moved into this past October has huge, vaulted ceilings and more than enough room for a full-sized, real tree so we bought a six-foot noble fir this year.

Because of this, this year is special for the kids and for me and my wife. Our sons are 5 and 2, which means that this is the first time they’ve ever gotten to decorate a tree, and we had to slow them down numerous times so they wouldn’t tear into the decoration box and accidentally smash things in their excitement and haste.

For my part, I tried to bask in their excitement and enjoy the moment, but it was an active struggle to do so, as melancholy thoughts fell like snow in my head.

I found myself wondering if this first time decorating a tree as a family would be our last. My wife has been clear she’s angry and upset about my progressing transition and that we’re heading towards a separation. The body changes being driving by the hormones are obviously noticeable to her in the close confines of our domestic life and she doesn’t like them.

What’s happened and continues to happen is her rejecting me on multiple levels, even as we both continue to love each other at a deep, emotional level.

It’s confusing, heartbreaking and crazy-making at times to say the least.

What’s taken a while for me to sort out and is the kernel of my strength is that while I am being and feeling rejected, it doesn’t mean that I’m defective in any way. I’m just trying to be me and find a comfortable place to dwell in for the rest of my life, since the place I had been in left me feeling uneasy and unfulfilled.

My wife is rejecting the physical and emotional manifestations of my non-pergenderism but I am not defective. If anything, I’m trying to fix the parts of me that I think are defective so I can build greater acceptance of myself, which will spill into greater acceptance from others.


About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, family, self-acceptance. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Rejected Does Not Equal Defective

  1. Becca says:

    I am glad that you don't see yourself as defective – its taken me many years to reach the same conclusion, so much wasted time trying to fight what can't be fought.

    I like you haven't transitioned but I am now approaching my 4th year on HRT. Its been hard at times for both my wife and I – so many emotions and much upset. I can't say that I am where I want to be but we have managed to find a way to stay together. Compromises continue to be made on both sides.

    There are times when I wonder whether we would be better off if we separated but facing that reality is hard. The desire to finish what I have started is tempered by the fear of losing someone so dear.

    There are no easy answers and I feel for you.



  2. Jenn Ifer says:

    Thank you, Becca. It sounds like we're in somewhat similar situations. I'm also trying to find that way for my wife and I to stay together. It's really, really hard. My best to you too!


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