I don’t believe in a God, god or gods, but I do believe that quantum patterns in our universe repeat themselves from the micro to the macro, and that we are bound inside these patterns and that they express themselves not only in our physical form and movements but also in how we think and live our lives. They’re the laws of the universe and they are inescapable.
As an occasional student of astronomy, I’ve always been fascinated by the observed redshift of other galaxies due to the expansion of the universe. In our finite yet unbounded existence, it’s quite something to try and wrap your head around. Another thing that’s caught my attention is time dilation as you approach the speed of light.
Those are both relative effects, and tonight they came to mind as I’ve been thinking about my gender journey and my spouse. There seem to be some interesting parallels between cosmology and transition. (Humans are also excellent at bending reality to fit their assumed perceptions, so this is likely my flight of fancy!)
I’m on this journey, and for me, it feels halting, even stuttering at times. I feel like I make little incremental steps and then a big step every now and then. While I’ve been at this now for the better part of my adult life in one way or another, it’s really only been since January that I’ve been on more of a fixed course towards integrating and outwardly expressing my inner female life.
With every week of HRT, I move a little bit closer towards personal comfort in my body. At some point, I may even decide to go full-time.
But when I thought about what my wife’s viewpoint has been, it occurred to me that my movement away from male to female picked up significant steam and is accelerating because she didn’t climb on the rocket ship with me. She sees a male hurtling away from her in a “pinkshift” that is wholly unapparent to me from my vantage point.
For both of us, I’m getting closer to the event horizon of a type of black hole – transition – and we’re both experiencing the odd time dilation effects. For her part, she sees me getting closer and closer to my eventual gender destination, so it looks like part of the change in my gender expression is slowing down. For me, it seems like I’m hurtling faster and faster towards changes every day.
Even weirder, due to gravitational lensing, as I rapidly orbit around it I appear more male or more female to her than I am sometimes. And as I get closer and closer, the tidal forces seem to be ripping us apart.
Maybe it’s just time to set the controls for the heart of the sun.