Last Week’s Dose: 4mg/day estradiol.
Physical: No significant change from last week. It seems that breast growth and sensations have entered a bit of a plateau with regards to rate of change. My libido has significantly changed over the past several months, with the intensity of it being greatly diminished along with it being more finicky around the conditions for it to get revved up.
Emotional: Messy and depressed.
The depression is something I’ve battled most of my life, but it is qualitatively different than in the past. Instead of a heavy, black velvet grip that squeezes and squeezes until I find a way to escape from it, it’s more of a cloak that I keep throwing off every few hours but find that it’s somehow ended up on my back again and again. So, not nearly as bad as usual, but still an annoyance that makes other things in life harder to enjoy or deal with. We’re almost at the nadir of darkness for the year here in the Northern Hemisphere, and seasonal affective disorder that’s pretty common around here due to latitude and cloud cover could also be afoot here.
On the messy front, I find that I ricochet around in my emotions much more quickly than I used to. Whereas before I would marinate in the good and a bad for a while, I jump around with my feelings within the hour now. I have been doing ongoing work to connect more with my emotions so some of that is self-induced, but I have noticed that I amplify and express emotions, positive and negative, of those around me. This was especially apparent to me and my wife during her last period recently.
On another note, this marks half a year of combined time on hormones. I continue to evaluate if it’s the right path for me, and while I still don’t feel like I have an unequivocal “yes”, I don’t have a “no” either, so I continue for the time being.