A couple of the reasons I stopped hormones almost a month ago was because I couldn’t bear the costs it was racking up in my personal life and I wasn’t convinced that I’m intrinsically female.
But now that the estrogen has washed out of my system I’m seeing myself in a way I didn’t see before, and I’ve asked myself on a couple of occasions, “Who is that mannish woman in the mirror?”
Then I shake my head when I realize that when I was on HRT, looking female seemed truly impossible and now that I’m off of HRT, I think I look female now and then. It makes me feel like Schrödinger’s trans woman, both male and female until I look at myself in a mirror and it sorts itself out in an instant.
Of course, part of being trans is the dichotomy and interplay between intrinsic and extrinsic internal, mental self-perception and external, physical manifestation.
Examining my own case and looking at the transitions of others, I now believe that the hardest part of transition isn’t self-acceptance, which can be devilishly hard for some – myself included, but the preamble to it: aligning the intrinsic and formulated parts of ourselves.
Here’s where I’m going to go out on a limb with my theory.
The Quantum Theory of Transition
Until we (transgender people) align the intrinsic and extrinsic internal self-perception and external manifestation of their self-defined gender by having a persistent conscious and unconscious self-awareness of their intrinsic and extrinsic gender, we exist in and project a gender superposition (we are transitioning) that we all do our best to collapse to the gender we want to be in (we have transitioned).
I am not trying to argue here that there is a final resting state of transition that you can categorize other people by based on any perceived criteria, (I can already hear some people calling me out for invalidating their transition,) but that this is another tool to gauge how far along you may be on the internal process of alignment because transition is a process, not a state, even though aspects of it are state-full, (long-term hormonal effects being one example.)
In my own case, I began life in gender superposition and have worked on collapsing aspects of my gender into alignment, but I’m currently wobbling between states on the internal self-perception on the conscious (and maybe unconscious) level.
I’m puzzled now by how I’m perceiving myself as more female now that I’m not taking feminizing hormones. Quantum weirdness, for sure!