[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 2 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 185 lbs.
Physical: Not much change from last week, except for weight gain, which is still about stress eating. Interestingly, two people have commented that I look like I’ve lost weight! That could be a function of the magic combination of more electrolysis and hormones that tends to make one look younger.
I think my breast area continues to slowly increase, but that’s subjective as I still haven’t found my tailor’s tape to measure. I was out doing some yard work this weekend and it definitely feels like my upper body strength is declining somewhat. I just found myself more tired that I would have expected from shoveling and it felt like more work.
Emotional: This has been an interesting area of self-examination. On the one hand, I continue to feel much more even-keeled overall. On the other, I have my moments of despairing that I’ll ever be close to looking how I perceive myself in my head. I look at other women and see the apparently effortlessness with which they just be themselves, and it reminds me so much of how much effort it is for me to find and express myself. Some of this might just be the side of the gender divide I’m still on, where I have such little practice at being myself while other women have had a lifetime to practice along with cultural support for self-expression.
For weeks now, I’ve felt bottled up and on edge, but I don’t know fully about what exactly. Part of it is feeling like I’m dragging out my time in my personal no-personal land of gender. When I examine what holds me back from social transition it mostly boils down to physical attributes, with still having a beard and small breasts at the top of the list.
I had been toying with the idea of transitioning in August, but I’m not sure that I’ll have the beard gone by then or big enough breasts to make that practical. For larger breasts, I’ve decided to up my dose of estrogen to 3mg/day. I’ve realized that while my transition timeline is still not fixed, I can move forward with physical changes and conceal them as necessary.
My general philosophy here is that I want to transition when I’m being regularly gendered as female without much effort. I came reasonably close to that last time around so I’m hopefully that it will happen again.
Will it happen on my schedule? Who knows. But at least I’m thinking about it, because deep down, it really is what I want.