[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 3 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 184 lbs.
Physical: Twinges and heaviness in the chest area with some occasional nipple burning sensations. Have I mentioned how much I love my softer skin?
Emotional: Between sleep deprivation due to a sick kid, a cat that wants to pee on our bed, and work stress, and the combo of birthday, Mother’s Day, birthday plus marital stress, it’s amazing I’m still functional. Let’s hear it for professional compartmentalization skills!
In one compartment is me, just trying to go along with who I am and who I am emerging to be with no clear destination. I’m just on a journey and I’ll see where I end up.
In another is my marriage, and when I look at it closely, I really wonder if it will be able to hold together. We both still love each other and want to make it work, but between what’s going on with me and what’s going on with her, I wonder if there’s a future there.
Peering into the foggy future compartment, it’s hard to find any sunshine right now. Even when I consider a fully self-actualized self around my gender struggles, whatever that looks like, it looks like divorce and joint custody for my kids.
I feel like I’m back where I was two years and over fifteen years ago: I have to make a choice and I don’t like the consequences of any of them.
If I’m really honest with myself, I’ve had the occasional suicidal ideations, but I recognize those for what they are: a response to the incredible stress I’m under right now. I’ve just had moments where the gender dysphoria leaves me feeling hopeless for the future, as a future without expressing myself would mean even more aggressive compartmentalization with the costs that brings or one where I lose much of what I hold dear today.
I know that change is hard and that I would eventually find a happier spot again, but it’s hard, it’s really hard because I can’t see that happier spot from where I am right now. This is similar to what my life was like back in 2000-2001, when my business and first marriage was imploding and I was also at the brink of a transition, and it seemed like there was no way out. And there wasn’t. It was an excruciatingly painful march through hell to the other side.
There are many things that are well in my life. All is not doom and gloom. My immediate family does love me, even if we have our rocky moments. I have generally good health. My career and job is going well. So many others have much more difficult lives.