Detransiton Thoughts

I’ve been thinking about stopping hormones. Again.

And putting all the clothes and jewelry away. Again.

And cutting my hair. Again.

And going back to being more male, whatever that means. Again.

Interestingly, these thoughts haven’t been precipitated from any triggering emotional crises.

They came from a surprising realization: my creative writing feels totally blocked, and it’s been blocked since I started hormones again.

One of my life’s dreams has been to write a novel. Two years ago I finally wrote an outline to something I felt I could turn into a longer narrative than the short stories I’ve been cranking out, and began work. Flash forward to early February of this year and I’m about 35,000 words in and feeling like I’m about half to two-thirds complete on the story.

Then I started hormones. And I haven’t added more than a couple of sentences since then.

Every time I open the file up, I stare at it, listless, just not feeling it. Even forcing myself to write in there outputs jumbled gibberish that requires so much editing, I might not have written it in the first place.

So I feel blocked. And the start of the block coincided with starting hormones. Correlation is not causation, but this is suspicious and my writing log tells me that I’ve not had this long of a gap before. Plus, this is a different block than I’ve experienced before.

I still feel like I have stories in me, so I try and start them, and they’re all crap. I delete them a few paragraphs in.

This scares me. Part of my self-identity is as a writer, and if I can’t write, I’ve lost a part of myself.

I have more questions than answers.

What’s the point of a transition when a core part of my self-identity is negated?

Has anyone else faced this?

Will this pass?

Where the hell do I go from here?

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in observations, random, transition, writing and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Detransiton Thoughts

  1. yxiuyi says:

    I don’t think that it’s actually the HRT that causes trouble with your writing. It’s not the transitioning. I think it’s the things that surround your transitioning.

    Like

  2. Pingback: HRT Week 52 Review | Becoming Me

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