[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 3 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 179 lbs
Physical: Periodic aches and tenderness in the breast area, often accompanied by nipple zings. Not too much observable change except for maybe some more fullness. (But I’m still way underdeveloped for my body size and have not moved to the next Tanner stage yet.)
Emotional: Profoundly unhappy moments when I think about my marriage and what’s likely coming next in that area and how it might impact my kids. Feelings of despondency when thinking I’ll be anything other than a simulacrum of a woman, which are often exacerbated when I see a woman that I think is attractive or has great style.
I recognize these feelings as self-doubt and envy, and work to push them away but it takes effort. As long as I don’t look in the mirror or see other women, I do OK.
I had an in-person job interview yesterday that I have no idea how it went, and of course it generated some anxiety about what to wear. I ended up with a very colorful sweater. One of the interviewers remarked that I looked very different from my LinkedIn profile picture. I had a laugh about that remark. While I feel lucky to get to the in-person interview (I’ve had four? five? phone interviews with this company over the past 8 years and never landed an in-person before) my current work situation is going quite well, so I went into this with my eyes and ears open. I’m certain I could do the job but I’m not so certain that if offered, it worth taking it.
For all the sturm und drang about everything in my life, I’m either compartmentalizing like crazy or just taking it all day by day. I waver between feeling massively depressed because I have no future to feeling exhilaration that I get to make a new future for myself again.
Brains are weird.