[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 4 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 178 lbs.
Physical: I’m feeling the new, higher dose! The achy, slightly tender breasts, painful nipples and I swear I can feel the darn things growing sometimes. The general chest aspect is larger, but looking in the mirror today, it’s funny how lighting, clothing, and body position can make my breasts look non-existent to noticeable.
I’m still recovering from an arthritis attack from last week, so I’m still limping a bit. I’m supposed to participate in a sprint triathlon on Saturday, but I’m going to see how I feel on Friday.
Emotional: Mini roller coasters. Some of this I attribute to the change in dose and some to general life stuff. I finally had a semi-cathartic cry this past week, which was the first time that’s happened in a long, long time. I’m finding I’m zooming between feeling pretty darn good and close to despair some days. Most of this is being generated by my slowly disintegrating marriage. It feels like we’re circling the drain but I fervently want it to not be the case.
On the 4th of July, we went to my mom’s to celebrate and I pushed myself to wear decidedly women’s clothes out and about, and it felt natural, except for the neckline part, which was a bit uncomfortable to me here and there. My mom didn’t say anything, but I did catch a snatch of a conversation between my mom and my wife along the lines of, “…doing his thing.”
Summer has hit Seattle and there’s now this explosion of pretty dresses, tank tops, shorts, skirts, and sandals, and I feel so left out and it drives super-strong feelings of dysphoria in me. The worst part is that it makes me fear I’m “just a crossdresser” as a therapist once called me. Making my outside match the inside view I have of myself just feels impossible.
And yet I still take my pills, I still move into the future, I still want my beard gone, and I will find a way.