[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 4 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 179 lbs.
Physical: Continued nipple tenderness. Tired.
Emotional: A cousin of mine died yesterday. She’s the first to pass from my family’s generation, so that has been making me feel sad and reflective. It feels a bit like my wife and I are at a stalemate. She’s confused, I’m confused. We have a counseling appointment together next week, so hopefully that will un-stick us somewhat.
Last night she was telling me how my mom told her that my mom thinks that I want to be more feminine to attract the attention of my father because he essentially abandoned me and my brother at a young age. Also according to her, he always wanted girls instead of boys. This is all new information to me. This is such a weird thing, that I’m not sure what to make of it. I mean – daddy issues? That’s what my mom thinks drives this?
Then my wife was telling me how her therapist told her that I need to address the trauma I encountered at a young age, and inferred that I’m trans because of that trauma. This came on the heels of quizzing me about why I want to change gender and why or why not I’d want bottom surgery, and then me having a very hard time putting into words the feelings I have about being trans and the whole body image thing.
Then she said that part of the reason she married me was that when I told her I crossdressed as a youth, I had framed it as part of me wanting to be closer to her, which is what I thought for a long time (and I think there’s still a small kernel there) but is now not what I think was the main motivator and she liked that.
So I was feeling defensive on top of feeling fragile, and then we had a big argument, about all of that and another issue I won’t go into here, which was not how I wanted to spend my night after an exhausting day at work.