HRT Week 24 Review

[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]

Week: 24

Dose: 4 mg/day estradiol

Weight: 179 lbs.

Physical: Continued nipple tenderness. Tired.

Emotional: A cousin of mine died yesterday. She’s the first to pass from my family’s generation, so that has been making me feel sad and reflective. It feels a bit like my wife and I are at a stalemate. She’s confused, I’m confused. We have a counseling appointment together next week, so hopefully that will un-stick us somewhat.

Last night she was telling me how my mom told her that my mom thinks that I want to be more feminine to attract the attention of my father because he essentially abandoned me and my brother at a young age. Also according to her, he always wanted girls instead of boys. This is all new information to me. This is such a weird thing, that I’m not sure what to make of it. I mean – daddy issues? That’s what my mom thinks drives this?

Then my wife was telling me how her therapist told her that I need to address the trauma I encountered at a young age, and inferred that I’m trans because of that trauma. This came on the heels of quizzing me about why I want to change gender and why or why not I’d want bottom surgery, and then me having a very hard time putting into words the feelings I have about being trans and the whole body image thing.

Then she said that part of the reason she married me was that when I told her I crossdressed as a youth, I had framed it as part of me wanting to be closer to her, which is what I thought for a long time (and I think there’s still a small kernel there) but is now not what I think was the main motivator and she liked that.

So I was feeling defensive on top of feeling fragile, and then we had a big argument, about all of that and another issue I won’t go into here, which was not how I wanted to spend my night after an exhausting day at work.

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in HRT, transition and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to HRT Week 24 Review

  1. I feel for you my dear, basically i’m sort of in your shoes, transition can have a really hefty price to pay .. esp when married and with kids, the price goes up ..

    Also when feeling fragile and vulnerable while being attacked by everyone, from all directions, it would make me spend the night crying ..

    Try to find a place, something you’d do, anything at all, no matter how small it’s that would make you feel happy, find your emotional anchor, I believe this would help out relieving stress and help stablize your emotions, an emotional anchor i believe should be independent from all other people, let that be a nice walk by a lake side, some music track that would get you grooving, a pet that would make you feel happy, an instrument you love to play .. Anything at all ..

    I’m not quite sure how this would benefit you, but it works greatly for me, no matter how bad or sad i feel, the right music track combined with a nice slow drive along the nile at night would make me feel like 1 million bucks ..

    Bless you my dear, wishing you best of luck ..
    With Love,
    Nour

    Like

    • cistotrans says:

      Thank you for your kind comment and for stopping by, Nour. My therapist had been prodding me to do the same and I haven’t quite found that thing yet. I do have a project that I get that from but it’s at home, so it’s hard to do that with the wife and kids around.

      I do have some time off coming up and I am planning on taking a few days to myself to think and center myself.

      Like

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