My transition is going to accelerate soon.
I’ve decided to talk to my doctor about ramping up HRT and I’m now starting to think very hard about social transition this winter. My body has already changed enough to where I’m spending more and more energy compartmentalizing away “If only…” thoughts, and that’s just not healthy.
I told my wife Saturday, and she told me that she felt like she’d been punched in the gut. It was a quiet, brief conversation, and she thanked me for telling before I moved forward. My wife told my sister-in-law, and she was supportive, telling me that we need to get on picking out a final name for me and that it’s a shame that what should be a time of joy due to moving into a new, happier life is so often is a time of sadness.
My wife hasn’t gone screaming from the house, so there’s that, but I’ve been super-squirrelly since I told her and precipitated a huge fight Sunday that was about nothing related to gender but tied to my generalized feelings of abandonment. Ugh.
I don’t know what comes next and it’s both a relief and terrifying in a way.
Relief because I’ve been moving towards this point in my life for decades and the end of carrying a huge secret is in sight. It’s terrifying because I’m about to enter a black box of unknowables and uncertainties and will have to navigate my way back out.
But I feel mostly relief. It’s time to move on.