[Looking for information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post.]
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
Weight: 180 lbs.
Physical: My dose is now 5mg/day estradiol. As I’ve said before, it’s time to move on.
Not related to the dosage change but to the passage of time and the cumulative effect, when I lay a certain way now, there is a softness, a beginning of roundness in my hips that wasn’t there before. My face is taking on a similar aspect. There are the glimmers of a higher, narrower waist that provides the illusion of hips.
More subtle and hardly noticeable until I went, “Huh, that’s different,” is how I move and hold my body. While I’m still mostly herky-jerky, I feel more fluid, more relaxed in some ways. When I stand, some poses feel more natural, like akimbo and the bent elbow and wrist.
I wonder if this is due to either loss of muscle mass and my body is compensating to be more efficient or if there are nervous system changes that are re-wiring to feminine or something else?
Emotional: This was a bad week to up my dose. My wife had elective surgery that put her on crutches and in a recliner for most of the week. This put me in primary caregiver mode for her and our two kids while also trying to keep the plates spinning at work. I’ve been getting little sleep and my anxiety has spiked. Little things have been pushing me to the brink of tears. Then my company had a layoff yesterday. Bleah.
I had a day the other day where this transition felt hopeless and stupid. I felt masculine and silly. After a bit of sleep, I’m back to normal (if that’s what this is!) I’m still working through accepting myself. I’ll never, never be what I wanted to be, never have the experiences I wanted to have. I’m still grieving. I think part of a late-adult transition is coming to grips with the what could have beens and accepting that, and then looking to the what can be’s.