[Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts]
The last few weeks have been emotionally exhausting and I’m slowly clawing my way back out of the energy hole.
It’s been about all I can do to show up for the responsibilities I have at home and at work, which has left me no time or energy to communicate with my online support network. Thank you all for being there and reaching out to me. I wish I had the capacity to reciprocate more right now.
The whirlwind kicked off while I supported my wife after she had elective surgery. I was primary caregiver for her and our kids for about two weeks and that left me low on sleep and energy. There’s also been a slow-motion reorganization at work that saw my team dissolved and my role converting back to an individual contributor this past week. During this time, I also upped my estrogen dose, which has always introduced a bit of emotional turmoil. In general, I’ve felt like I’ve just been falling further and further behind on every little task at home and at work that needs to get done. As an added bonus, I’m still behind on sleep and haven’t been eating well.
Through all of this, I’ve been see-sawing back and forth on transition, being trans in general, and had wildly swinging levels of dysphoria.
On my darkest days, I felt like my struggles towards authenticity and self-acceptance were hopeless and unobtainable. In those moments, I asked myself if all this is really worth it. Why not stop or pause transition? And then the reality of being trans would settle back in, and I felt in my bones the certain knowledge that I don’t want to be a guy and that I can’t go back to that.
Then I’d look forward, and despair.
The distance to being myself, whatever that is, feels too far away and that I’d lose too much in family, friends, and career just to be an ill-fitting facsimile of the woman I could have been born as but will never be. I just want to fit in somewhere, anywhere, and it feels like I never will, anywhere.
That’s when things get dark for me.
Turning back or stopping on the path I’m on is an unbearable thought. The path ahead looks to only remind me of what I’m not and will never be. That leaves me at nowhere with absolutely nowhere else to go.
What then is the point? Why bother? We all die. Why not sooner rather than later when measured against the infinity of time?
I work to bring my focus back to the moment. What is there to do right now so that I can focus on that instead? What do I need to do for myself right now to feel better? What would my kids’ life be like if I wasn’t in it?
Sometimes it’s touch and go. Sometimes every moment is a struggle to find even a dim pinprick of light in a dark void to head towards. I will get through this, I always have, but this has been a harder journey than others I’ve taken in the past through this territory.