Transition experiences: Since I often have electrolysis Friday afternoons, I’m starting to femme it up on Saturdays. For me this means I spend more time thinking about comfort when selecting clothes, light eye makeup, and more overtly feminine jewelry. It’s been liberating and I’m looking forward to being able to carry it on into Sunday soon.
It’s been all “sirs” this week and a few funny looks here and there. I’ve mostly developed a pretty thick skin on the looks, which are about 95% men. I have also noticed that women have been smiling at me more than I recall.
Emotional: (This is a big vent including mention of suicide so you might want to skip if you want to avoid the negativity.) Mostly a good week, until we hit the weekend. My wife complained of chest pain Friday night and after doctors and tests and a preliminary diagnosis of pancreatitis, it landed at a viral lung infection by Monday. She’s still in pain, but it’s been a roller coaster of emotions. It’s always hard to see a loved one suffer, especially so when it at first appeared to be a self-inflicted thing. That brought out some anger on my part because I’ve been telling her for years that she needs to take better care of herself and stop drinking.
While it was somewhat of a relief when it shifted to a lung infection, my anger flared again when she seemed very passive in following up with the doctors and decided to down a couple of beers Monday evening. I worked from home Monday to take care of her and the kids (we also have a kid with a cold) and I was constantly prodding her to call for status updates.
I went back to work Tuesday on little sleep and had a rough day, which included my eldest son’s school calling to tell me he was having suicidal ideations and talking to my manager about taking stuff off of my plate because I’ve been having a very hard time focusing at work. Then I come to find that she needs to go to her doctors to pick up a pain med prescription that ran out a few days ago and needed refilling (a two-hour round-trip at the best of times) because she threw her back out and I realize after talking with her a bit that I’ll have to meet her because she’ll take a pain pill or two and be in no shape to drive herself and the kids home.
This entails a two-hour bus ride for me to meet her at a Mexican restaurant, where she’s working on a margarita. After finishing dinner and her second margarita we leave for the hour-long trip back home and get the kids down to bed late. As I’m getting ready for bed she slips out for her regular bong toke and that just made me angrier. Pain meds, two margaritas, and a bong toke on top of the antibiotics and other maintenance meds she takes, and I had to leave work early due to her poor planning. I could have taken care of this when I had the day off from work!
I’m so fucking tired of having a spouse who has a substance abuse problem and refuses to acknowledge it or do anything about it, and who continues to do things that randomize and negatively my life. While I still love her, her shenanigans combined with on-again, off-again abilities to cope with regular life and a special needs kid continue to make me wonder if I want to stay with her.
Yes, I’m pissed. Sorry for the vent.
Physical: No noticeable changes from last week.
Weight: 183 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]