I want off the ride

I’m finding transition emotionally exhausting, and I’m drifting back to really wanting off the ride.

It’s hard to have a spouse that rejects my body and resents the journey I’m on. It makes me feel unlovable and unwanted at a time I’m emotionally vulnerable and desperately want the comfort of my spouse. I’ve internalized the feelings of breaking our relationship to feel that I’m at fault and deserve to be lonely, which is totally fucked up.

I want to go back to where I was—someone my spouse wanted around, someone who doesn’t generate odd, probing stares, someone who didn’t feel like every thing I do to make myself happy pushes people away.

I feel like I’m trading the misery of not being myself for the misery of loneliness and freakishness. It feels so lose-lose and everything is so hard.

Where and when do things get better?

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, family, observations, self-acceptance, transition and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I want off the ride

  1. I wish I could give you some amazing advice that would make everything clear, but life is unclear. Marriage is hard enough without the transition aspect. It’s hard for both parties involved. So many questions, so few answers. Do you really think you could ever go back to “the way it was?”

    Coming from a wife’s perspective, I remember telling my spouse that the only thing harder than moving forward at this point was if she decided to stop for some reason. I personally couldn’t stay with that person. I knew how much my “husband” struggled and was unhappy. No matter how hard things can seem at times now, I couldn’t go back to that. I am finally seeing the person my spouse was supposed to be. Scary as it might be, it is SO much more of a fulfilling relationship for us now.

    Do we know how the story ends? No. Nobody does. We take it one day, one step at a time. We should try and enjoy what we can. Hang in there.

    Like

    • cistotrans says:

      I can’t go back—that’s part of the reason this is so hard. There is no safe or mutually acceptable place to go back to because it’s gone forever. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience and wisdom.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m pre-everything, so firstly what do I know? Not a lot. But I’ve read a lot of other people’s thoughts and opinions on their journey, plus I’ve dealt with regret and denial plenty, what I’ve gathered is: transition is a journey (duh, this part is obvious I know) and the journey is the scariest part. You’re at the hardest part. It’s totally okay to feel sad and regretful, so firstly don’t beat yourself up for it (not saying you are, but for future reference!). Secondly, if you hadn’t gone through with this I’d wager that it would have just kept building until you were even more miserable and absolutely had to do it regardless.

    Also, none of this is your fault. I might blog about this later but last night I had a bit of an epiphany and told myself that none of this is my fault and I forgive myself for feeling otherwise. I forgive myself for beating myself up, telling myself that these feelings are wrong and somehow a choice. For years I told myself I had to hide them and that I was bad for ever indulging them…. Nope! That was all a load of crap. None of it was my fault. This is the way I was born, into a society that isn’t quite ready to deal with me but you know what? It’s just going to have to deal with me. Because this is me. I did nothing wrong. I’m playing with the cards I was dealt.

    You fought off the shackles of society that said you can’t do this. You brushed off your upbringing and ignored all the lies that you were fed. You know what that means? You’re bloody awesome! Look how powerful and strong you’ve been to weather all of this and fight on. Of course you’re going to feel vulnerable and tired at times, everyone does. But holy crap, you’ve got this far and that’s incredibly impressive.

    You’ve totally got this and we’re all rooting for you. 🙂

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  3. Calie says:

    I have far too many friends who are very lonely following transition. I also have several who are very happy and living with partners or spouses. I think my wife would have tolerated a transition but I know she would have been very unhappy. I came to the conclusion about two years ago that a transition for me would not happen unless something changed in our relationship.

    A very close friend of mine, who transitioned several years ago, passes 100%, and survived the work-place transition, has told me several times that if she had a wife at the time, like mine, she never would have transitioned. She would have fought it with everything she has. Even now, with her loneliness primarily due to the nonacceptance of transwomen by many in the lesbian community, she has questioned her transition.

    I have a formula that works well for me. Exercise, diet, many trans friends, keeping myself busy and reading books written almost exclusively by female authors. For me, it’s a delicate balance and every one of these is an important part of the balance.

    Keeping busy means that I am buried in my work and I’m active in many public service organizations. The book thing may sound weird, but it totally puts me in a relaxing state of being in the mind of the woman who wrote the book. Most of what I read is science fiction, but I have found that there is a distinct difference in the writing styles of female and male authors.

    If you decide not to transition, and only you can make that decision, understand that it takes a very disciplined life style to keep you out of depression. For me, I will never say that I won’t transition. That keeps me going. I’m just delaying it.

    Thanks for sharing your feelings, Heather.

    Calie xx

    Like

    • cistotrans says:

      Thanks, Calie. I tried for years to fight it back until I realized that being trans is my tribe and I could no longer turn my back on it for fear of living an even more inauthentic life than I had lived previously. I will move through this stage; it is impossible to dwell here.

      I fight regret every day now. Regret that I shouldn’t have married again without truly knowing myself. I cannot undo the past, so I’m trying to chart a course forward from here and things are murky. That’s what’s hard.

      Like

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