I’m finding transition emotionally exhausting, and I’m drifting back to really wanting off the ride.
It’s hard to have a spouse that rejects my body and resents the journey I’m on. It makes me feel unlovable and unwanted at a time I’m emotionally vulnerable and desperately want the comfort of my spouse. I’ve internalized the feelings of breaking our relationship to feel that I’m at fault and deserve to be lonely, which is totally fucked up.
I want to go back to where I was—someone my spouse wanted around, someone who doesn’t generate odd, probing stares, someone who didn’t feel like every thing I do to make myself happy pushes people away.
I feel like I’m trading the misery of not being myself for the misery of loneliness and freakishness. It feels so lose-lose and everything is so hard.
Where and when do things get better?