Stuck in Neutral

I’m really struggling with the next steps on my transition journey. I’m unclear about what I want and what will lead me to greater happiness.

After a few false starts, my journey began in earnest a little over a year ago when I started taking hormones again. Since then, I’ve been plugging away at hair removal and had some physical body changes occur. I’ve grown the hair on my head out. I’m venturing out more and more as myself.

The next logical step is feeling less clear to me. In the running are orchiectomy, social transition, and de-transition.

Orchiectomy is where I think I want to go next, but my de-transition thoughts (explored below) have been forestalling any action around this. I have a referral; I just need to follow up on it. The other thing holding me back is GRS (genital reconstructive surgery) and conflicting information around if an orchiectomy before GRS is a neutral or negative thing.

I did have some tentative plans for a social transition this summer, but I had it tied to the beginning of an extended break I was hoping to get approval for that did not come through. This has left me mopey and wondering if social transition is really that important to me. I still want it, but my motivations are feeling less clear and having to set my own timeline feels much scarier than tying it to an external event like I had.

And de-transition lurks, striking me with doubt and fear from time to time. Being trans is hard. My wife has almost completely physically and partially emotionally disconnected from me, and it’s becoming harder to shake the feeling of loneliness within my relationship.

I wear a sports bra to work to hide my chest. I’m not done with electrolysis and I’m beginning to ever wonder if I will be to the point where I don’t have a beard. I’lll need FFS (facial feminization surgery) to ever come close to blending in the way I’d like to. 

Clothes don’t fit well any more. The hormones increase my risk of a cardiovascular event. It feels like I exist in no-person’s land between genders and I don’t like that feeling. I miss some of my male privilege that I can see and feel slipping away. I could go on, but I won’t.

There’s plenty of fodder in the de-transition column.

I know I can’t go back, mostly because I like where I’m going and forward looks fuzzy. Re-reading the above shows how conflicted I am.

Now what?


About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in coming out, observations, personal history, random, transition and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Stuck in Neutral

  1. Have you tried reading your earlier blog posts back? I know it sounds odd, but I find sometimes that my best guidance comes from myself.

    For instance, when I was floating around in the “Should I pursue this? Should I drop this?” zone I found reading my own writing about how damn miserable I felt assured me that the right path was obvious.


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