Transition experiences: Had another date night with my wife Saturday night and went into the city en femme again, where en femme for me is a woman’s top and pants plus makeup and a purse. The waitress avoided using pronouns with me until the very end until she wished us ladies a good evening. We tried to go bra shopping for my wife, but it weirder her out too much for her to have me around so I went and returned a pair of pants that didn’t fit quite right and was referred to as a gentleman.
The big thing for the week was telling the babysitter about me. I had already changed my top and had some makeup on and my wife wanted me to answer the door. The top I was wearing was a lavender crossover v-neck so there was no getting around it.
She looked at me sort of surprised like she did the previous week and after saying hello, I pointed out that I obviously looked different, that I was transgender, was likely going to transition later this year, and that our kids knew. She seemed even more surprised but took it in stride, and mentioned that she had a good friend whose sister transitioned, and that was that.
For me, I had more anxiety leading up to telling her than actually telling her. I was so matter-of-fact I surprised myself! I’ve also had some practice over the years now with disclosing and it really does get easier.
Emotional: My wife is going to have to have some sort of breast surgery, so she is anxious about that and it’s making me anxious for her. I love her so much and I hate to see her have to go through this; it’s hard on us both in different ways. I feel helpless and I’m trying to be there for her and be supportive, but our relationship has changed so much in the past few weeks it’s hard to know what comforts her and what might set her off.
Her emotional and physical distance makes me profoundly sad and feel very rejected. I miss the physical intimacy of just holding hands, which she refused to do Saturday night.
On the way to a pre-surgical consultation today, our conversation turned to a family vacation and I admitted that while I really wanted for us to do that, I didn’t know if I could do it. Our marriage seems to be a poor theater for the kids at this point, with her being angry at me for transitioning and me angry at her for pulling away. I told her that I didn’t resent her for not being attracted to me any more physically and it made her angry.
I admitted that I wasn’t sure what the point of our marriage was any more and asked why keep on if we’re both unhappy and miserable. It was spectacularly bad timing on my part, (is there any good time to discuss with your partner that your relationship is over?) which I regret now. I’m ready to move on with my life and either build a new relationship with her or end it. She says she wants to stay together and raise our children together, but I’m not convinced that she even realizes how angry she is with me still and how it affects our relationship.
I’ve been trying to give her space, but when she doesn’t even realize that she’s pulling away from me, it doesn’t exactly instill confidence that she has the will or means to move closer or find a new path forward.
Physical: I had some intensive electrolysis on my upper lip directly below my lip on Friday, and it’s still swollen and red today. I probably won’t do that again!
Something that I’ve finally realized is that the tenderness in my breasts has slowly decreased to the point where I only notice it if I bump them on the nipple or squash them into a tight sports bra. They do seem to be somewhat fuller, but they seem to be in a bit of a pause now in growth, and I’ll admit to some anxiety that they’ve stopped growing.
I’m catching more and more glances in the mirror of my face and realizing I look more feminine. Coupled with my hair, which has finally reached my shoulders, I feel like I’m on the cusp of being able to really rock the look in the next few months.
My voice still fills me with dread, but I don’t have any extra energy to put into it now.
Weight: 181 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]