Transition experiences: Was addressed as ladies when out to lunch with my wife and had a man double checking the bathroom sign after seeing me washing my hands in the mens room. Being referred to as ‘he’ and ‘him’ is really starting to bug me, but it’s not like I’ve told anyone yet to use different pronouns. I need to ask my family to use more gender-neutral pronouns when we’re alone.
Emotional: This has been a shitty week. One of my wife’s uncles died Thursday after being hit by a car while riding his bike and Friday morning I missed a step on our stairs and broke a bone in my foot, landing me on crutches. (So much for marathons or triathlons any time soon.)
My wife was making plans to go to the funeral, but then had to cancel them, and we had a short weekend trip planned with the kids that we still followed through on, but it was hard with me propping my foot up in the car and being spacey on pain meds. Plus, I can’t really help out much around the house.
My wife has hit her limit, and I know I’m a focal point of the stressors in her life, so her anger at my transition, (which has been there for years,) is being transmuted into hatred of me. Before we left, she had written up a list of stressors in her life and ‘husband turning into a female’ topped it, followed by ‘future living arrangements uncertain’ and ‘loss of male companionship’. There is still love between us, but I know in my heart of hearts that our relationship is irrevocably changed; broken even. We’re both unhappy with how things are but afraid to leave each other. Then there’s the children, which we are both committed to trying to do our best for.
While on our trip, I daydreamed about going back to living as a man and how much easier it was. These thoughts are seductive. Things are just so fucking hard right now and I want things to be easier. I don’t want to have to fight to be myself for the rest of my life—it takes so much energy. I even went so far as to butch myself up our last day on vacation to hopefully make it a bit easier on her and I told her so, and she told me that it didn’t matter because she knew what was underneath the shirt.
I’m trying to remain sanguine around this and remember that I’m in the middle of the hard part of transition and everyone around me is trying to figure me out. I can only hope that a full social transition will move things towards resolution, whatever that might be.
Physical: It is by no means hugely noticeable, but I seem to be gaining some more hip fat. Glances in the mirror are continuing to positively surprise me when I’m close-shaven due to more feminine facial fat deposits and my hair, which has hit shoulder-length.
Weight: 180 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]