Transition experiences: I’ve noticed that when talking to male colleagues at work, I drop into dudebro talk. This is vexes me, as I only realize it after I’ve been doing it for a while, and I feel like I’m being inauthentic. I’m giving myself a pass on this, because I think it might be a reflexive defensive move as my presentation shifts more female. It reminds me of elementary school when I was teased by the boys and had to learn to behave like one to fit in. When talking to female colleagues, I’m more relaxed and natural. I find it curious that the closer I come to transition, the more I’m seeing this unconscious behavior in myself.
I came out to a friend who lives in California over email, and he took it amazingly, albeit surprised, offering his support and asking when to use female pronouns. It floored me that he thought to offer that. Coming out now is I daresay mundane. I have my story down cold, and while I certainly feel some tension, I’m very much in the spot where if I get a negative reaction, my response is likely to be, “Screw ’em,” but I haven’t had anyone freak out or outright reject me.
My body self-image is increasing, and this is a major watershed for me. I’ve dropped a few pounds, (and have more to go,) and I’m sure that’s helped, but I’m really starting to like what I see in the mirror around curves and my overall looked. I’ve had a negative body self-image for, well, forever, so to come to really embracing how I look is an amazing self-confidence boost. Even when I was running marathons on a regular basis over a decade ago and was in the best shape of my life, I couldn’t embrace my body. I appreciated it, but it never looked quite right. I can see myself emerging, and it’s a fantastic feeling.
I had another femme weekend and spent Friday night at my kid’s school’s carnival as myself and it was no big deal, including being gendered female by a few people and they didn’t go running away, screaming.
Finally, I made time to watch the Bruce Jenner interview since my mom mentioned she had seen it and indicated she wanted to talk about it. I was pleasantly surprised and disappointed at the same time. The narrative was mostly respectful and didn’t spend inordinate amounts of time dwelling on the physical aspects of it, which was a relief. While I think that it had utility in humanizing a transgender woman, I wish that there had been more about the challenges that all trans people face, and I wonder if Bruce talked about those issues and if they didn’t make the final edit. His noting that trans women of color have it immeasurably harder than all hinted at a social and historical awareness discussion on his part that might not have fit the interview’s narrative of ‘Famous Person Comes Out’ and need to generate advertising revenue. Maybe another day.
Emotional: My wife and I have been having angry flare-ups at each other all week counterbalanced by quietude feelings of closeness, all driven by the understanding that our marriage will end. We’ve had short conversations around separation and divorce, but we have yet to really sit down and discuss the landscape of it. Neither one of us really wants it to happen, but I think we’re both clear now that the current status quo will not hold. I’ve known this for quite a while now, probably since she abandoned our bedroom for the couch several months ago, and I think it has finally sunk in for her over the past couple of weeks. The crystallization of this was a conversation about her anger, and how she views me as stealing her husband, or as she put it, “[That] bitch stole my husband.”
I have equal measures of anger and relief mixed together in a bowl of sadness.
I’m angry that things have come to this point and relieved that we can both move on. I’m sad, because I know this is going to be hard on our kids.
I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but I cannot, so I continue to try to let that all go and look to the future. For the first time in a long while, I am looking forward to the future.
I look forward to not living with someone who harbors resentment and anger towards me. I look forward to fully emerging into myself. I look forward to having more time for myself. I look forward to eventually finding someone to spend my time with who loves me for being me. I look forward to taking control of my life again after a few years of autopilot.
Breaking my foot, while painful and a major inconvenience in my life, provided me with some enforced downtime to just sit and think, and I realized I’m sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself and that I’m ripe to move on in my life in so many ways after hitting pause on many things.
As I’ve done so often in my life in the past, I’m clustering major life changes in time. By the end of this year, I will have transitioned, divorce, likely moved, and change jobs. That’s a lot of change, but I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for it.
I’m strong, I’m resilient, and I’m going to be happy, dammit!
Physical: Nothing new to report.
Weight: 179 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]