Transition experiences: It was my youngest’s birthday party this past weekend and we threw a pool party for him at a local swimming pool. One of the moms, when dropping off her daughter, asked me if I was the birthday boy’s mom. I stuttered, starting with parent and then said dad. She seemed taken aback and apologized but I told her with a smile it was okay and her discomfort seemed to melt away.
I’ve had practice with this, and expect to carry on once I’m on the other side. I’ve found that a smile and an acknowledgement that the confusion is okay tends to defuse what can be a fraught interaction.
Emotional: Ambivalent in many directions.
I’m sad, sad, sad about the impeding doom of my marriage. My wife and I spent Tuesday afternoon discussing terms, and that really brought the reality of it home to both of us.
I’m angry that my wife is rejecting me over this. (And angry that she gets angry when I tell her this and she goes off on how it’s all my fault, etc.)
Hopeful, because we can both move on in our lives and that I will finally be able to be myself in future relationships, and that if there is another exclusive relationship in my future, they will love me for me, not what they think I am.
Excited over feeling less troubled overall and for being able to make plans for the future again, which had been on pause for years.
Anxious about second-guessing if I’m on the correct path for myself and wondering if this emotional trauma is worth it.
Scared, as the only thing standing between me and transition is me, and I’m hoping my courage comes to me when the time arrives.
Physical: My weight is going down, which I’m thrilled with, yet I’m wondering if it’s from muscle atrophy since I’m on crutches, which I’m concerned about.
My boobs seem to be filling out some, as they’re looking rounder.
Weight: 178 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]