The Desert of In-between

I feel I am at the nadir of the Desert of In-between. This place is a desolate place, and I hope it is not a false bottom, with the next hill concealing another valley out of view.

I remind myself I am here of my own accord, a venture undertaken somewhat unwillingly when I felt that I could no longer linger where I was, and which will unfold into its own future reward that only hard-put toil pays. Yet the quiet, lonely plodding of today tests my will to go on.

The massifs in the distance I aim for are still inky loomings in the pre-dawn glitter, unknowable environs to scale and explore for an abode on or beyond to settle within or range from as base camp.

But here, here and now, I have no home. I am alone. It is dark. I put one foot in front the other, each step a choice to move forward and not turn back.

Ahh…back. Back, back to the intolerable comforts of having a place while being nowhere, to having love’s ribbons and bows bind me with conditions, to electric touchings powered by fantasies devoid of reality that twitch and quiver in ecstatic releases, leaving only pain in the end.

How my thirst for those trappings of happiness drown now in the choking dust of this place, with tears of mud streaking my face.

I trudge on, with dreams of sprinting in the grassy valley competing with my loves to be the first to plunge into the soothing waters of the lake, laughing, carrying me forward.

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in observations, transition and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The Desert of In-between

  1. Lesboi says:

    Beautifully written. I feel your pain and it choked me up. I am only one or two steps behind you and can imagine myself standing exactly where you are today. It’s raw, painful, dark and lonely but there is a profound beauty that you captured here. It will get better.

    Like

    • cistotrans says:

      Thank you, Don. I’m happy to hear that it touched you. May your journey be swift and your pains brief.

      A few years ago, a trans woman I knew online spoke of her loneliness and I attempted to cheer her up, telling her that I and others were here for her. She accepted the sentiment and told me that she was still alone. It puzzled me at the time, and now I know what she was talking about.

      – Heather

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ariadne says:

    My partner has been in that in-between place also these days… it’s hard! But it won’t last forever, and knowing we *will* get to the other side makes the journey easier. I think we can still find value in experiences that are difficult – it’s all part of the human condition, and helps make us who we are (or who we will become).

    Like

    • cistotrans says:

      I wholeheartedly agree! This journey can be painful and difficult, and making mistakes is hard, but it forges us, and how we react to those things are the temper of our days going forward.

      Liked by 1 person

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