Transition experiences: Sunday was another fully me day, with long, dangly earrings, a spot of makeup, and a very femme top for a birthday celebration for my wife at my mom’s. No one said a word but it seems pretty clear to me that the more femme I look, the more arguments my wife and I end up in now. I know that I disturb her at a fundamental level when I look like myself, and it saddens me, but that’s just where things are at right now.
I purchased a new women’s backpack today without incident and I’m hoping that it will help me blend in to the female crowd better. Also, I had to return my favorite rain jacket for warranty service the other week and instead of fixing it, they are sending me a new one, and I asked them to send me a women’s jacket instead of a men’s.
Those are little things in the big picture of transition, but they are set dressing in the performance of my life that have outsize impacts for me. Accoutrements like these are cultural props of gender, bringing some comfort to my role by presenting evidence to others of my affiliation that my body is unable to unequivocally declare by itself, helping me to blend.
Emotional: My wife stowed away her lingerie in a Spring wardrobe changeover, and this hit me hard as a clear signal that whatever was there between us is truly and finally over. Rejection from a lover is always hard and I’d hazard doubly so or more for trans people on the receiving end due to the often fraught natures of our pre-transition sex lives. I cried over the significance of this even though our physical relationship ended months ago. This was a more intimate gut punch due to the tender memories threaded through those silly pieces of fabric
We’ve also been discussing divorce terms off and on, and this is wearing to us both given the complexities of children and our asset structure. We both want to be able to keep the kids in the house to minimize their disruption, but it’s not clear that either one of us would be able to afford it solo. This makes discussion of this topic even harder for me as I’d feel like I was letting my kids down exactly when what they need most is to be held up.
On a positive note, I’ve advanced to the next round for a job I’m interviewing for and have to complete a homework problem, which they’ll use to screen for in-person interviews. It’s a product management problem, and it’s been over a decade since I’ve done work of this scope, and while a bit rusty, I’m really enjoying it and am feeling good about my chances of moving on to the next round.
Physical: I am sick of hobbling around. It’s now been four and a half weeks since I fractured a bone in my foot and have been wearing a stabilizing boot around. My other knee is now bothering me due to all the extra weight I’ve been putting on it, so I’m really looking forward to my follow-up appointment next week where I hope I’ll be able to ditch the boot.
I haven’t shaved my cheeks or sideburns area for about three weeks now, and there are only about 5-6 long hairs left growing in those regions. Win!
Weight: 177 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]