Transition experiences: Spent most of the weekend as myself and was gendered correctly at the grocery store by the checker, which surprised/didn’t surprise me, if that makes any sense.
By the end of the day Sunday I found that I was feeling tired out from worrying about if I looked okay or not and was also partially a reaction to some blowback from my future ex-wife, and switched back to guy clothes. This made me grumpy.
I had my hair done yesterday and there was a shining moment when I was sitting in the chair wearing a smock and with my hair wet and being combed out and I saw a woman looking back at me. And it felt good and natural and…wow. My hairdresser has been sweet about my transition, if a bit ignorant about things that I have to correct her on, even going so far as to offer to change my name in their system.
As I get closer to social transition, I’m struggling to put a wardrobe together. I have many tops that I like and one pair of black jeans, and zero pants and other stuff to create outfits. My purchase history of clothes over the past year has been, “Oh, that’s cute! (Whips out credit card.)” One does not build a wardrobe that way.
I’ve shifted gears and am working on filling out a basic wardrobe that I can layer and mix and match, and it’s hard. My body is still shifting around in shape and size, and I’m tall, so there’s some guesswork in sizing. Add in the ongoing process of trying to define my personal style and things get extra fun.
To get a sense of what works and in an attempt to fill in some big gaps, I ordered a bunch of stuff from an online shop that caters to taller women and sadly, I’m sending most of it back. The pieces either didn’t fit well or I tried it on and went, “Yeah, no; that’s not me.” Then I swung by Goodwill yesterday and found a cute t-shirt and some skinny jeans that fit perfectly and spent less than $15 in the bargain. Go figure.
Emotional: Depressed to pissed off to happy. Whee!
My future ex-wife is now dragging her feet on divorce and making things hard, and it’s really bugging me. As I continue to try and emotionally separate myself from her, the more I’m seeing how terrible a friend she’s been to me the past few years, and I’m even starting to wonder how much she’s been my friend the past decade.
I’ve been trying to have conversations with my kids here and there about my upcoming transition, and both have been almost crying while pleading with me not to change. The irony is that I have these conversations while being myself and they aren’t even aware of it. This has been making me very sad.
Physical: My foot continues to heal, but still hurts if I’m on it too much, and I’m looking forward to hopefully being able to start running again in a month or so. My breasts feel like they might be going through a fill-out stage, as they’re a bit tender again and there’s a definite change in shape that I’m noticing to more roundish.
Weight: 179 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]