Transition experiences: My posts, A one-act scene at airport security and my HRT week 73 review, summarize what’s been going on lately on this front. I’ve mostly decided to tone down being myself in order to keep the friction low with my wife until our divorce is finalized.
This has brought both frustration, because I’m having to stifle part of myself again, and uneasy relief, because I’ve reverted somewhat to past, learned ‘hiding myself’ behaviors. I keep reminding myself that this is transitory.
In other news, my mother seems to have hit some sort of acceptance with me. I visited her with the kids over the Fourth of July and she was talking about handbags at a store she had been in and then asked me out of the blue if I wanted a purse for my birthday. Later in the evening she was joking about how when you have two boys, one is a spare in case one doesn’t make it (funny/not funny) and then said, “I guess I have a son and a daughter.”
I was shocked, to say the least. It’s not a full embrace based on some other comments she made throughout the evening, but it is still a significant shift from where she was before.
Emotional: I’ve been mostly sad and resigned. It’s a combination of letdown from vacation, which had its emotional ups and downs, having to return to work and keep my job search going, trying to figure out next steps to get my divorce going, and accepting the fact that I’m going to have to put my transition off until Winter at this rate. I don’t have the emotional capacity to juggle all these things at once.
Loneliness has also been stalking me. I’m an introvert by nature, so I’m used to and like being alone for periods of time, but what I’m missing is intimate physical and emotional contact of a partner. My wife still hugs me now and then, but it’s not the same as it was, and until we’re divorced, I won’t date, so I feel stuck in this limbo state of craving being close to someone but being unable to do anything about it. I think much of the sadness I carry now is bubbling out of this issue. I sustain myself by visualizing a future where I’m with someone who really wants to be with me; I know they’re out there, but it’s maddening to not be able to go looking for them yet.
Physical: My boobs are definitely doing something again. They look rounder and there’s been tenderness and aches happening for a while now. Mostly, they are starting to look more mature and it’s becoming increasingly harder to hide them in guy mode and I’m continually amazed how I different I look in women’s shirts now compared to even a few months ago.
I had another followup with the foot doctor yesterday and she said things are on track. I’m still not cleared to run but she did clear me for biking and swimming, so it’s time to get the bike out. I’ve really been missing running as of late though and I can’t wait until I can start to do that again.
Weight: 180 lbs.
Dose: 5 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read the Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart.]