Yesterday afternoon and night I had a breakdown and I’m not certain I’m quiet done yet.
You might know the type — crying jags that last for a half hour or more with feelings of helplessness, loneliness, abandonment, and generally feeling broken, unlovable, and incapable of not raining down emotional pain on others close to you. Or maybe it’s just me.
Anyway, I realized something this morning: this is the third August in a row I’ve fallen apart. I’m struggling to remember further back, but only the previous two come to mind.
- With more light in the summer, I stay up later and don’t get enough sleep, and by August I’m strung out and crashing.
- It’s my birth month, and it’s an unconscious reaction to realizing that time is slipping away and I am not yet living authentically.
- I want to transition on my birthday, and it’s not going to happen.
- The change in schedule for the kids is throwing my desire for predictability and order out the window and I’m reacting to that.
- Anxiety about receiving birthday gifts for a man.
- Accumulated dysphoria from women’s spring and summer fashion that is beyond my reach.
- A seasonal environmental influence, like mold or other allergen.
- Something else I haven’t identified.
- Some mixture of the above.
Seems like I have some work to do to untangle this.