August breakdowns

Yesterday afternoon and night I had a breakdown and I’m not certain I’m quiet done yet.

You might know the type — crying jags that last for a half hour or more with feelings of helplessness, loneliness, abandonment, and generally feeling broken, unlovable, and incapable of not raining down emotional pain on others close to you. Or maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, I realized something this morning: this is the third August in a row I’ve fallen apart. I’m struggling to remember further back, but only the previous two come to mind.

Hypotheses:

  • With more light in the summer, I stay up later and don’t get enough sleep, and by August I’m strung out and crashing.
  • It’s my birth month, and it’s an unconscious reaction to realizing that time is slipping away and I am not yet living authentically.
  • I want to transition on my birthday, and it’s not going to happen.
  • The change in schedule for the kids is throwing my desire for predictability and order out the window and I’m reacting to that.
  • Anxiety about receiving birthday gifts for a man.
  • Accumulated dysphoria from women’s spring and summer fashion that is beyond my reach.
  • A seasonal environmental influence, like mold or other allergen.
  • Something else I haven’t identified.
  • Some mixture of the above.

Seems like I have some work to do to untangle this.

Advertisements

About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in counseling, mental health, observations, personal history and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to August breakdowns

  1. I thought I would say it is not just you. I have my own triggers that send me off like you describe. There are certain parts of the year like July that seem to be bad for me regardless of what else is going on.

    It could be a mixture of things. Some more than others that contribute to the overall feelings that you described. For me, I think the important thing is not put down what you feeling. You are feeling this way for a reason(s).

    That is the hardest part is untangling the knots of circumstances and feelings that contribute to the overall feeling. I hope you don’t mind suggesting that you try to express those feelings in a safe way. Regardless of its writing about what you are feeling in your blog, on a piece of paper or to someone you trust that may allow you to see the reasons for the feelings and then address those reasons so you feel better in August.

    The important thing to keep in mind is that not just you. August is bad time of the year for you and other people have times of the year or circumstances that are the hardest on them. Maybe by starting to untangle the reasons maybe in the future, August will still be bad just not quite as bad. Wish you all the best and hope you have a good day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s