Transition experiences: Last weekend saw me finish my week off that was also a bit of a dry run for transition, and overall, it went really, really well.
I went out as myself, wearing a dress, for an early birthday dinner with a friend, which was followed by a Sounders game. Going out and about is one thing, sitting in a stadium was another!
I went to my mom’s for a birthday dinner as myself, and she didn’t bat an eye. In fact, she’s come very far in the past year, (compare her previous shenanigans,) so far in fact that she gave me some earrings and a girly birthday card. She had bought me a woman’s top, but it hadn’t arrived yet, so that’s still to come.
Saturday my wife and kids returned from their trip, and I reluctantly dialed down the woman. This left me feeling melancholy and that feeling intensified as I went back to work on Monday. Getting dressed was a struggle and so far this week it’s been hard to go back to boy mode.
Now that my manager is interviewing herself and I feel like I’m a couple of weeks away from leaving myself, I came out to her. Her teenage daughter has been dating a non-binary person, so she’s surprisingly up to speed on a lot of gender stuff through both her daughters. So I think she was a bit surprised, but it wasn’t full-on confusion. She said that she had noticed I wore jewelry but hadn’t put two and two together, so it’s possible I’m still fairly closeted at work because people are seeing me more as I was two and a half years ago when I started.
I worked from home today so my wife and I could go sign some bank paperwork as a part of our divorce and while I was wearing a woman’s sweater, I had no makeup on, didn’t have a purse, and I wasn’t particularity trying to look female. The bank person didn’t seem to say anything but the waitress at lunch gendered me female, even when I was away from the table according to my wife.
Such is the weird twilight zone I inhabit now!
All in all, I feel mostly ready for transition. I have some clothing and accessories gaps to fill in, but it’s clear that I can do it.
Emotional: The last few days of being myself had settled down from incredible to just normal and relaxed, and then it tilted into feeling bummed that I had to put away my purse and that I won’t be able to wear some of my clothes for a few months.
The rest is melancholy. I’m speeding toward divorce and it’s hard not to feel sadness and rejection wrapped in the promise of moving beyond. I feel lost in moments and grounded in others.
Physical: Stress eating. I did some running last week, but haven’t been able to since the family got back. Now I have a late summer cold.
Weight: 178 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]