Transition experiences: I went as myself and introduced myself as Heather to my younger kid’s teacher yesterday at the meet-and-greet for the new year. The way I saw it, since I’d never met her before, I wanted to have her fix me as Heather as opposed to <deadname>. She took it in stride and all was well. I ran into another mom who I recognized and she said hi, and since I had forgotten her name over the summer, I asked hers again and she said tentatively, “You’re <deadname>, right?” I replied that I was changing it to Heather and she was, “Oh! Great!” and gave me a big smile and that was that.
While I was nervous about going as myself and how my kiddo would respond, (he didn’t even notice, except to ask me what to call me and I suggested Heather or mum, and he was, “No, I’ll call you dad,” that I shrugged to with an, “Okay,”) I had more angst over what to wear. Threading the needle between not over-dressing and have people stare and not under-dressing and not having people register me as Heather was a challenge. In the end, I went with a nicer long-sleeve sweater and jeans, and that was that.
Since it was the first day before school, we took the kids out to a last day of summer lunch at a Mexican restaurant, and my wife and I were senoritas according to the server.
I took my kids to the zoo over the weekend while my wife worked and since I’m spending most of my off-work time as me, I looked like, well, me. At one point, my eldest wandered off while I was taking my youngest to the bathroom, and we couldn’t find him. He has ADHD and low situational awareness, so I freaked out, afraid that he’d wandered off with someone and luckily a zoo staff person just happened to be walking by and saw my distress and started to call in a lost child report. My youngest was telling her how he and his brother had come with their dad and how his brother had disappeared. She was visibly confused, asking me, “He’s with his dad?” and I just brushed past it by saying he was alone.
Since my kids play with the neighbor kids a lot, my wife and I figured it was time to tell them we were getting divorced instead of finding out from the kids, so I went over on Monday to tell them, and just found the mom. I told her about the divorce, which she didn’t know about and then disclosed myself and that I would be changing my name, which she did know about! While my kids hadn’t mentioned the divorce, they had mentioned my transition. Kids! She seemed okay about it, albeit a smidgen uncomfortable, but I live in a very liberal place and it’s not like their kids haven’t been over a zillion times since I’m sure they’ve known.
I had an in-person job interview on Monday and I went as a guy, wearing my suit. I’d much rather be interviewing as Heather, but I feel I can’t do that until I have my identification sorted out, which I’m not going to do until post-divorce as avoid having paperwork screwed up on that. It was uncomfortable with me and I found that I slipped back into the persona of the guy in the suit. Bleah. They’re going to have me back for more extended interviews, which I already have some anxiety about surrounding what to wear.
My dropped off my last birthday present, a long-sleeved, women’s v-neck t-shirt in a really pretty deep rich blue color. Go mom!
Emotional: No details, but it’s now crystal clear to me that I can’t trust my wife or her sister, who has positioned herself as my ally. The duplicity is breathtaking, and I am still angry about it. The good news out of this is that I’m looking firmly forward now and especially looking forward to my wife moving out of the house. I don’t want to see, talk to, or touch her or her sister. I do need more self-care, and I’m trying to figure out what that looks like, because sometimes I’m terrible with that.
Physical: I’m down six pounds in a week after initially losing my appetite due to that abyssal feeling of betrayal to having it shift over to an anger burn to fuel my focus on moving forward. While I have been trying to drop the weight, this was not how I wanted it to happen. I just hope that I can keep it off and shift it to a more gradual glide down. The upside here is that I’ve shifted down much closer to my goal weight of 165, and I haven’t seen the underside of 175 for a long, long time and it’s nice to be within striking distance of my historical 170 pound set point.
While I haven’t done as much as I would like, I’ve been able to squeeze in a couple of short runs here and there, and I long to do more and more distance. My foot is still a bit twingey/achy where I broke it, but it’s not debilitating.
Weight: 172 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]