Transition experiences: I came out to another set of neighbors after telling them about my divorce, and they were supportive, offering what help they could. Both acknowledged that it seemed to be a better time in the world to do it that otherwise. I said it was still a bag of shit, but that it was a better bag of shit than it was a few years ago.
My brother called to find out what was going on since we hadn’t talked since April. I updated him on my divorce and transition plans. He was mostly supportive, yet he still has that air of implying I’m doing the wrong thing. I’ll call it a win given his past antipathy towards me around it.
I had to put off another electrolysis appointment to watch our kids since my wife was working and couldn’t find coverage. It was the fourth week in a row I’ve missed, and I have to miss this week too to take my wife in for some minor surgery on Friday, and it’s super-frustrating to have that put on hold and watch more and more hairs come back in.
To keep moving forward, I’ve been building a list of places I need to change my name. It’s amazing how many places your name seeps into and I haven’t even started the process!
Emotional: The feelings of abandonment and dysphoria have returned to cavort with my anger and frustration, and they’re linked. With my wife still in the house, every time I see her it’s a pang to the gut that she’s leaving me because I’m me. The dysphoria kicked in due to my facial hair coming back with a vengeance and me feeling like this whole thing is just a farce.
I made a huge to-do list of everything that needs to be done before and after my divorce, and it’s daunting, and I try to get through an item a day, but it’s really, really hard. This morning I spent some time reviewing our divorce paperwork, and it’s a gut punch that makes me want to cry.
My wife’s house deal may still fall through and I really hope that doesn’t happen because I want her out. She’s really stressed out, with good reason, about her surgery, and it’s hard to be supportive and care for her in the state our relationship is in. We both really need to move on.
I keep reminding myself that this is a transitory phase and that it will end and that there are better times ahead.
Physical: I’ve gained back two pounds, which I’m okay with. I’m not okay that I’ve gained it back because of stress eating. Oh well. I haven’t been sleeping well, also stress-related. I did get in a short chair massage this past week, which was wonderful and went by far too quickly, so I booked myself a full body massage for later this month. I can ill afford it, but I need it for self-care.
Weight: 174 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]