Transition experiences: As has become usual, I spend the weekends as myself. I took my boys to the Experience Music Project this weekend and we had a great time! I’m finding the weekends great practice with figuring out outfits and makeup.
Besides coming to realize that I have a long way to go on filling out my wardrobe, just being out and about as myself helps me be less nervous about being me. It proves to me that I can do it and that it’s not as hard as I had made it out to be in my mind.
Since I’m getting closer to setting a transition date, I updated my coming out letter and received some great feedback. I’d especially like to thank Liz Lilly for her great feedback and sharing her letter with me.
Emotional: My wife’s house deal fell through and to her credit, she has quickly shifted gears to looking for a place to rent. For some reason, her looking for a rental is having more of an emotional impact than her house deal. It might be because I had a feeling it wouldn’t happen, while renting can happen fairly quickly. It’s dredged up the, ‘I’m feeling abandoned’ feelings and dropped me into a funk. We have other issues in our relationship beyond my gender and this will be a positive move for both of us, but tomorrow is our ten-year wedding anniversary, so it’s just hard timing-wise right now for all this stuff.
I’ve been having follow-up interviews and also have been thinking about a transition timeline. Both have been stirring up many thoughts. My current job is painful, with my now former manager reminding me daily that I need to finish my self-review and that I’ll be on probation. That my job evaporated and the organization couldn’t find meaningful work for me makes the probation salt in the wounds. I am grateful that they did give me advance notice to go looking for another job.
My eldest had a big meltdown the night before last about my gender. He’s angry at me for changing and he kept saying over and over that he would run away or kill himself if I changed. While I know this is his way of expressing his emotions, it is very hard to hear and does give me pause. Transition is a knife-edge between hurting yourself if you don’t and hurting others if you do, so someone always gets cut and there’s always blood.
It’s in those moments when he’s raging at me that I ask myself if all this is worth it. There’s no good answer there at all. Being a parent is often about making personal sacrifices for your children.
It tears me up to see him so angry at me about this. I remind myself that he may also be reacting to the divorce and I’m a handy focal point for it. I hope that one day when he’s older we’ll be able to talk about it and he’ll understand that it was the best for everyone involved.
Physical: Still with the stress eating, but I did go running both days this past weekend! Yay, me!
Weight: 174 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol via tablets
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]