I see

When I look in the mirror, I see a feminine middle-aged man. I see a person struggling to find happiness in a life that many would find enviable. I see someone afraid of death in a youth-focused culture. I see someone weary beyond their years for the responsibilities they’ve carried through the years. I see someone running away from things. I see someone running towards their future.

I see someone groping to find themselves when they’re right in front of me. I see someone who feels like they’ll never actually be what they wanted to be and who is unable to come to terms with that.

I see someone who wants to be loved and does so many things to push others away. I see someone who wants to love and who too often turns to anger. I see someone who’s still hurting inside from long ago injuries, inflicted by those that should have protected them.

I see someone lonely and afraid to reach out. I see someone terrified they’ll never be wanted by another for anything other than a meal ticket or a notch on the bedpost.

I see someone who’s afraid they’ve shortened their lifespan and ruined their body with hormones. I see someone who wants their face smashed in and reconfigured. I see someone who wants their dick turned inside out. I see someone with no hips and small breasts. I see someone with a barrel chest and broad shoulders. I see someone with big hands and gigantic feet.

I see a man women used to be attracted to. I see a confused person, who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. I see someone who’s tearing their family apart. I see someone who doesn’t know if it’s all worth it. I see someone who’s afraid they’re doing all this just to play dress-up.

I see someone who has more guts or bullheadedness than sense. I see someone who feels hollow inside, wondering what will fill them up and turn them into a real person.

I see someone who wonders if anyone would really miss them as a person or if only their works and deeds would be missed. I see someone who wants to run away and be a hermit. I see someone who feels incapable of maintaining friendships. I see someone who feels unloved and unwanted. I see someone who wishes they hadn’t been born.

I see someone capable of great things squandering their time and energies. I see someone who feels unworthy. I see someone who feels guilty for all the things they should have done for others but has not. I see someone who wishes they hadn’t been born. I see someone who doesn’t know how to connect with other people. I see someone who takes and does not give.

I see a fraud, a fake, a trap, a shemale, a tranny, a fucked-up excuse for a human being. I see a deluded, crazy, mentally ill freak that shouldn’t have been allowed to breed. I see an abomination, a curse, a mistake, fuck-up, a joke, a hot mess, an idiot. I see someone who should be shot, strangled, beat, raped, drowned, cut, and left to die. I see someone who should kill themselves.

I see someone who’s a fetish, a dalliance, a dirty secret, and a source of shame. I see someone who’s hot, who’s fuckable, whose cock needs to be sucked, who needs to suck someone else’s cock, who needs to be pounded in the ass. I see someone who needs to beg, who needs to dominate, who needs to look like a slut. I see someone who wants to be sexy, to be desired. I see someone who is discardable after they’ve been fucked.

I see someone who wants a pussy, a cunt, a vagina. I see someone who wants to have their breasts suckled by their baby and a lover. I see someone who wants to be caressed and who wants to be spanked. I see someone who wants to claw the back of their lover. I see someone who wants to grab the sheets in ecstasy and thrust their hips up when they come.

I see someone who is worthless, who is useless, who is making others feel uncomfortable, and who should just shut up. I see someone who is invisible. I see someone that people can’t stop staring at. I see someone who wants to be invisible. I see someone who wants to be the center of attention.
I see someone who doesn’t know who they are and who they want to be. I see someone who feels abandoned, someone who feels broken, and someone who can’t figure out how to fix themselves.

I see someone who needs love, who needs caring, who just needs to be held and be told that it’s all going to be ok.

I see someone crying, laughing, smiling, and frowning.

I see what you want me to see.

I see who you think I am.

I see who I am.

I see.

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in poetry and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I see

  1. You’re not alone, apart from “I see someone who wishes they hadn’t been born.”.
    I wouldn’t have missed all of this and I want more; I want to know how the story ends.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nour S says:

    i guess we’re all there darling, we all question our existstence every now and the .. my dear, what you’re through today is truly overwhelming .. I’ve been there, and know exactly how you feel .. no matter how bad things are, they eventually get better .. and all what you’re struggling with today, will soon be past, a memory .. try to go stay somewhere new, even for a short while, staying in the same place which holds so much memories is really harmful .. I swear to god, i know .. go stay with a friend, stay in a hotel, go country side, you do have to take this time off work, just stay somewhere different ..
    My heart and thoughts go to you my lovely ..
    many hugs,
    Nour

    Liked by 1 person

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