Transition experiences: Received a, “Here you go ladies,” comment as the pizza was delivered to me, my ex, and my kids last week. He only saw me and my hair from behind, but I’ll take it!
I had all sorts of amusing and tiring experiences around being semi-out last week and wrote a separate post about it.
Emotional: This has been my week without the kids, which has been both melancholy and liberating. I miss my kiddos and at the same time it’s great to not have to be constantly ‘on’ in caretaker and guide mode.
I’ve been slowly putting the house back together after my wife’s move, and that is also generating mixed feelings. There’s annoyance due to the disheveled state she left things in, including leaving many random things behind that still need to go, and relief I can finally do a deep clean and not have to worry about my organization of things being undone.
Notable by its absence is the tension that used to fill me as I approached home. Whereas I used to wonder what I would be walking into when I got home, now it’s a quiet house, except for the needy cat!
Living with an alcoholic messed me up by distorting my view of normalcy and keeping me in an almost constant state of flight or fight when I was around her. I never knew if I was going to get the happy-go-lucky fun drunk or the stressed out, touchy drunk; both of whom were also stoned all of the time, too.
While I miss her, what I’ve come to realize is that I miss the relationship we used to have before she was self-medicated 7/24. Further, the more acute feelings of loneliness I feel right now have really been there for years and it’s only the absence of her physical presence and accompanying behaviors that have created space for me to really acknowledge it.
So, while I still have flashes of anger around feeling dumped and abandoned, exiting a dysfunctional relationship gives me feelings of relief and promise.
Now it’s on to the hard work of figuring out who I really am and what I will become in the future!
Physical: Still stress eating and not sleeping well.
Weight: 176 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol via tablets
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Transwoman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]