Transition experiences: It was my weekend without the kids and I spent it as myself, but I was mostly a shut-in. Saturday morning I had 90 minutes of electrolysis and then I came home and vegged out for the rest of the day. Sunday I lounged around the house, feeling like I should be doing more than laundry and finally roused myself in the evening to go to Target and do some shopping.
All in all, I think I’m realizing I need to get out more as myself and be around other people. What’s the point of going to all the trouble to transition if I’m just going to hide in the house?
Emotional: I feel like I’m starting to settle into my routine of work and on-and-off again kids. In these weeks my kids aren’t around, I’m feeling listless and I have to fight that. It’s the paradox of having more time for myself and putting things off like house cleaning because I have plenty of time and then, ‘Whoosh!’ it flies by and I haven’t done much of anything. I rationalize it by telling myself that I’m coming out of the incredible stressors of finding and starting a new job, having Few move out, and learning how to be a single parent; I’m allowed some slackerdom, right?
Yet I know myself enough to know I should keep busy with creative works or household tasks. Instead, I’ve been playing video games and watching TV. This is my signal that there’s something that I don’t want to confront. Candidates include transition and all that brings, the minefields of dating and being trans, and the overall structure of my life around work and what I want to do for recreation.
Perhaps I’ve become so inured to stress and careening from crisis to crisis that I need to re-learn how to just be. I do know that I need to change things up, but I’m hesitant to make any big moves until I’m over the transition hump.
Physical: I’ve decided to go back to 6mg/day and this time I’m breaking it up into 3mg each in the morning and evening. The 6mg/day in one go just seemed to really make me anxious/on edge, 5mg/day felt too low, and I’m hopeful that this new dosage routine will get me where I want to go. I am also overdue to have my levels checked so I’m going to give it a week or two before finally going in to get that done.
I was able to catch up on some sleep this past weekend but I can feel the sleep debt and I’m still having trouble getting to sleep. My brain just wants to distract itself and its hard to quiet my mind.
Weight: 177 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol via tablets
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Trans Woman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]