Transition Experiences: I was supposed to go to a large community event Sunday where I was sure to run into a bunch of people I knew, but my eldest pitched a fit and I had to miss it. It bugged me because this was the second time he’s done this in a month and I spent an hour getting ready. Few was at the event, and was willing to keep an eye on our youngest, so I did drop him off and that marked the first time she’d seen me in a dress and she didn’t skip a beat.
After dropping him off, I stopped by the hardware store and was ma’amed by a worker there. Given that I was in a dress, that was mostly expected, but you never really know what’s going to happen.
I invested in a medium-sized black leather handbag/satchel the other week, and besides it already starting to collect things and my losing something in it, it’s one of those accessories that help complete look I’m trying to build, so I’m thinking that helped.
I’ve realized that getting dressed for work has completely swapped from where I used to be. Instead of trying to find women’s clothing I can wear to work that won’t out me or raise suspicions, I’m struggling to select men’s clothing that I can tolerate.
I’ve been slowly whittling away at the men’s clothing I have, putting things in the donate pile when it’s clear to me I’ll never wear them again. I still have several collard shirts, which would be easy to wear, but I’m finding I don’t want people to see me in those clothes so that they don’t ‘fix’ me as male. With the winter weather, it’s been mostly warm sweatshirts and sweaters, but the boobs are making more and more things harder to wear.
The net result is that I’ve realized that somewhere in the past few months I crossed an invisible line where I have more anxiety about wearing men’s clothing out than women’s. It’s so not me, and it is really frustrating to not be able to wear clothes to work that I want to wear.
This is yet another sign that I’m past ready for social transition. That, and being called sir when I’m out and about is becoming increasingly grating to me.
Emotional: Overall, I have general feelings of loneliness at times mixed in with relief that I can just be by myself and not have to worry about anyone else. The new normal has sort of arrived, at least until transition.
New Year’s Eve was a bit melancholy and I spent it alone watching a movie. I sort of wanted to go out, but it turned out I was content to stay in.
Physical: Battling a cold and insomnia again. Finally went in for a blood draw last week, so I should get some updated numbers soon.
Weight: 177 lbs.
Dose: 6 mg/day estradiol via tablets, split into AM/PM doses of 3mg/each.
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Trans Woman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]