On May 18, 2011, I took my first hormones (hormone replacement therapy or HRT). A few weeks in, I started to have panic attacks due to fears of transition and divorce. On December 21, 2011, I stopped taking HRT, mostly due to stress and fear of losing my marriage and family. And then, in the way that I’m so good at it sometimes that I want to slap myself, I buried the lede in the very last sentence of a round-up post about that experience.
I unplugged from the community and myself for most of 2013, trying to put myself back into the box. It didn’t work.
Now, two years later, I’m on the cusp of transition and much has happened and much is about to happen and much still could yet happen.
I’m going to get divorced. The paperwork was filed Thursday and Washington has a 90 day waiting period, so somewhere on or after May 5, 2016, I’ll be a single woman again. Last August, we told the kids this was coming. While I’m sad that this relationship is ending, it does disconnect me from a source of distress centering around her substance abuse. I also step away satisfied that I went above, beyond, and then some more to try to salvage and repair things, and that outside of our children, there is no reason to look back.
I’ve come out to just about everyone in my life and I’m out just about everywhere but work, except for one person there and I know many others suspect the truth. I have a coming out letter prepped for my work and professional network, and while I’m sure I’ll revise it again before it gets sent/published, I’m ready to pull back the final curtain.
I’ll be legally changing my name to Heather after my divorce is final.
And, almost five years after I first started taking hormones, fifteen years after I almost started this journey before turning away in fear, over thirty-three years since I first realized I was trans, and forty-two since I had my first recognizable cross-gender feeling, I’ll finally, after decades of trying to deny or hide from the inevitability of it, socially transition.
And then what?
Well, I’ll just have to wait like the rest of you to find out. 🙂