Transition Experiences/Emotional: I’m combining these sections this week because they’re wound around each other like never before.
Tuesday night to Monday morning was epochal for me.
Last week I mentioned that I got to spend some quality unplanned time with the most special person in the world to me (excepting my kids). The planned time we had was even better. Like off the charts, world-shakingly better.
When we first met a few weeks ago, she didn’t know I was trans and didn’t run away after I disclosed to her. From that moment on, I’ve just been Heather to her. To be myself and not have to hide a part of myself from someone I’m romantically involved with is an incredible liberator.
Not only that, she made me feel like a beautiful, sexy woman and I’m still processing all the feelings surrounding it. She really opened my eyes to seeing the me that I’ve been hiding away and hiding from for decades.
She did it by taking a couple of photos of me that really blew my mind when I saw them because they shattered my internal vision of my own body. Two years of hormones have had a dramatic, positive effect on my body shape. There are curves where I thought there were none, and with a bit of makeup and the right clothing, I can physically see the woman I’d been hiding inside.
More amazingly, she made me feel like I inhabit my body much better than before, which is about when my synapses started to melt down. She made me see how my body moves and responds, and I became aware that I love my body. It’s not something that I hate anymore just because it wasn’t born the way I wanted it to be.
While there are still some things that I’m currently working on modifying and adjusting and still have planned for the future, I’m okay with where it’s at right now. The things that used to kill my self-esteem and made me question if I was doing the right thing with transition have shrunk to become minor annoyances to just deal with.
An ancillary byproduct is that my confidence has returned. It’s been wobbly for the better part of 15 years now, and she (You! You. [inside joke]) helped me see how it’s been holding me back.
My life is about to go through some major changes over the next few months as I transition. I’m ready. I’ve been ready for a while.
Now that I know it, I’m anxious to get on with my life because I have ideas, (holy shit do I have ideas,) about what I want to happen next.
Before I can get to the next, I have to attend to the next thing I need to do right now. And there are many things to do now. In the meantime, I’m content with being happy.
Physical: Tired, need more rest, and I’m stress eating.
Weight: 170 lbs.
Dose: 7 mg/day estradiol via tablets, split into AM/PM doses of 4mg/3mg.
[Looking for detailed information about male to female hormone replacement therapy dosing and effects? Read my Brief Overview of Feminizing Hormones post. You might also be interested in The Trans Woman’s Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) Tracking Chart I created.]