Violation of trust

Incredulous working up to anger.

I think that’s how I’m feeling now.

One of my hard-earned life skills is not freaking out when the shit hits the fan. I learned that all freaking out does is track shit around when you need to be focused on stopping the effluent, turning the fan off, and triaging the resultant situation for clean-up.

The trade-off is that by compartmentalizing my feelings during these times, it delays identifying and processing them.

So here I am, a full week after an enormous violation of trust by someone I loved, still trying to process how I feel about it.

That moment plays over and over in my mind and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I can think of a few reasons why things happened the way they did, and most of them add up to incredible levels of self-denial, selfishness, or lack of self-awareness on the other person’s part.

The story I tell myself to feel better is that this person was unconsciously looking to change the parts of their life they were dissatisfied with and I was just collateral damage. From personal experience and watching others go through big life changes, when you feel like you’re moving in the right direction and add some sort of catalyst, it runs off like an unstoppable, addictive chain reaction you hope never stops.

But after the high comes the crash, and it’s oftentimes easier to blame others for supporting our addictions instead of confronting ourselves and owning them.

In her case, I was accused of being a distraction to her work and delaying a project she was working on. This had knock-on effects for her around questioning her vocation, (something she’d been considering before she met me,) cash flow, (a pre-me problem,) which was due to her delegating managing it to someone not up to the task, (another pre-me problem,) and that other person not exactly being someone she was sure she wanted to be with long-term, (again, another pre-me thing.)

So there I was at the end of that causal chain, a handy proxy and scapegoat for her to get mad at, helpfully distracting from the tougher issue of her violation of me and why she did what she did.

I have some ideas why, but they doesn’t lessen the pain or anger. They’re just things for me to look out for next time.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to unbox my feelings and try to move forward.


About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
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