What happened to Heather?

One of my more vexing habits to friends and family is my propensity for not communicating when I’m busy or overwhelmed and feeling down.

“Why didn’t you call/text/email/tweet/post?” is a familiar refrain to my ears.

When I’m super-busy, time disappears for me and I become hyper-focused on getting done what I need to get done. Thoughts of, “I should contact _______.” float into my brain, and then I realize that I’m in the middle of something and stopping will throw me off, so I promise myself that I’ll contact them later when I have a free moment.

But I forget. Or I’m too exhausted from what I’d been doing that I just want some alone time to recharge. Then I remember a day or two later, the cycle repeats, and weeks or months can go by before I finally get a hold of the person I had hoped to communicate with.

When things feel too much, I just want to retreat from the world at large. People reach out and ask how I’m doing and I may or may not respond. I’m self-consciousness about being down because I don’t want to be that one friend that’s always blue or confused or stuck or needing help.

Equal parts embarrassment and an inability to figure out where to start when a bazillion things are pressing for my attention can leave me almost paralyzed, which is another drag on me responding to people.

Right now, I’m mostly feeling overwhelmed and down. This means that if I respond to people at all, I’m likely in a mixed emotional state of wanting to connect but not feeling like I have the energy to really commit to much of anything resembling a dialogue.

This phase will pass, it always does.

The phase that’s put me where I am right now is the mix from the past few months of having limited life options due to financial commitments from my divorce, single parenthood of two active kids with one of them special needs, household duties to keep the trains running, my job that has me part of a team redesigning an app used by tens of millions of people a month, navigating the early phases of transition and what that means for the rest of my personal and romantic life, dealing with the fallout of a brief but intense love affair that blew apart all of a sudden in an unexpected fashion, and a lingering sinus thing that won’t let go.

You know; the normal pressures of life that everyone deals with at one time or another!

More seriously, I do want to thank all my friends who have connected with me and offered support or a shoulder to cry on. I really do appreciate it, even if I don’t show it very well or haven’t responded. I hope I’ll be able to return the favor soon.

Much love,
Heather

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About cistotrans

A Seattle-area trans woman seeking a happy spot to stay at along the path of transition.
This entry was posted in divorce, family, friends, personal history, transition, work and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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